Glanceful of Lust

 

love_or_lust___by_anujkaura-d2yhumh

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder,

You stand cross legged leaning against the door of your car,

You just saw your wife drive away to meet her friends,

Heaving a sigh of relief, you glance around trying to catch the eye of someone unaware of your presence,

You puff the smoke from your cigar and watch it perish into the air,

It gives you a high, a sense of freedom, at least for a little while,

You feel an immense need for getting away from your mundane life,

You watch like a predator waiting for its prey,

A few young girls pass by but they don’t interest you,

probably in a few years time,

Suddenly you see the girl that you just feel seems like the right one,

Not very popular,

Walking alone,

Probably someone who moved here for work or studies, away from home,hot-kiss-love-lust-Favim.com-4013731

An easy target,

Her luscious curves forcing you take a deep breath imagining her squealing beneath you,

Her heels clank softly on the pavement and you need to do something to get her attention,

Suddenly she twists her leg and drops the book she’s holding in her hands,

perfect opportunity.

You take a few strides ahead, pick her book before she can get to it,

and ask “Are you okay?”

She replies “Yes, thank you!” and moves off.

Damn! You wanted more,

She is not very attractive or bold, but she has a sweet appearance,

You thought she would mellow at the slightest attention,

Instead she brushed off your gestures, hitting your ego in all the wrong spots,

You walk towards her showering her with flattery that she is pretty, unlike any other you have ever met,

bad_lust_by_novaberry-dawihd1

You try to charm her with your sweet words,

hoping she would agree to go for a ride,

so you can charm her and add her name to the list of girls you have had lustful encounters with,

You think she is about to consent and you give a sinister smile,

when she tells you she in loud clear words that will forever ring in your ears as you try to lure innocent women into your lyre,

“Glanceful of lust,

Handful of wicked intentions,

Words that flow like sweet savoury wine,

I have seen many like you,

Heard a lot of praise thrown at my feet,

I am in no need of any companionship with you,

I am far too strong and precious for you,

I have neither the time nor the luxury to entertain a fool like you.”

 

 

Shine Bright

 

img1500191868851Does a woman need to be a with a man to have a complete existence? Does a woman really need to have a man in life to survive or give meaning to her life? Does a woman really need to have a man in her life for companionship? Why does a single woman have to be considered a lonely soul? Why does a single woman have to conform to the society’s standard of love and marriage?

I am a 26 year old single woman. I have no issues with my singlehood or the absence of a male love interest in my life. All my life I have wanted to be loved by a man, someone who would sweep me off my feet and love me forever. I still remember during my high school days, how I would yearn to be one of my friends’ who have a guy pursue her and claim she was his love, how I wished my friend was the one who was asked about my likes and dislikes and how they could win me over.

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Alas! That never happened for me. I was the relationship advisor everyone came to ask for help. I was the one who resolved conflicts and love fights. I was the one who consoled broken hearts or buried her feelings because the guy I wanted saw me as just a friend or had feelings for my best friend. Obviously, this crushed my heart but I kept on hoping maybe someday it would be different.

Yes it was different once I grew up and had guys pursue me, very different from what I envisioned love to be. I was used, betrayed, hurt, disappointed and heart-broken. Sounds like cliché, yes. I now realize that I was never happy in those relationships and they were not the best for me. I accepted them for what they were – liars, cheaters, players, egomaniacs who were in love with the idea of making me confirm to what they expected me to be not the real me as I was. I was the next best thing for them – someone who was available when they needed someone the most, the girl who put her desires aside for them, the girl who texted them first thing in the morning, someone who loved them unconditionally and fought with the world and her family for them. But in the end she always turned up hurt, broken-hearted and depressed.

After several heart breaks I realized I actually was so in love with the idea of falling in love that I said yes to the first guy who actually asked me out. I so wanted to feel a sweet kiss on my lips so much that I let the selfish player taint me with his kisses even when it meant nothing to him. I was so desperate for having a guy I could take to meet my parents that I tried to right the wrongs and imperfections a man had when he had no intention of changing for the better. I blamed all the guys who hurt and disappointed me but now I have let it all go. I have no regrets or hard feelings. I am at peace with myself.

I now realize I do not need a man to complete my life. I need to be complete and whole myself before I look for my significant other. There are so many things I can do that do not require my having a boyfriend. I can read my books, go to the library, go for hiking or for dining our discovering myself, growing as a person till I am ready to pursue a relationship.

I have a nice job, wonderful family and friends I can talk to and share my life with. I have dreams and hopes I need to fulfill and achieve before I set out to conquer my heart. I am a star, slightly cracked from all the hardships of life but shining nonetheless. I am a star out to twinkle and explore the galaxies and shine as bright as possible. Most of all, I am for the first time completely content with my independence and freedom, I am seeking self acceptance from within my soul and proud of myself as a woman.

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Yet the world around me has set out to intrude my contentment and independence. You are growing old, you are 26. When will you get married and have kids? Everyone around you is getting married – why don’t you find someone as well? Why are you always reading in a corner? Go out, check the world, meet guys, have fun.

God!!! I am happy just the way I am. I know I am 26 and I do not want to rush into a relationship. I am strong, independent and happy with myself. When love will set in in my life, it won’t be because I am desperate or lonely or because everyone wants me to settle down.  It will be because I am ready, my heart is ready and the one I love is the person I can spend a lifetime with.

Till them I will shine bright, and at times my sparkle may dull or dim a little but I will not stop shining!!!

Single Woman Struggle

 

I often wonder what goes on peoples’ minds when they ask me “Why are you still single?” , “Have you never dated?”, “All women your age are either dating or married”, “When are you planning on settling down?”, “Don’t you know how to attract a man to your side?”. This is the most widely asked question in my life. Not only my family, friends but also acquaintances or any other people I come across. If I had to be paid a dollar for every time I have been asked that question, I believe I would be a billionaire by now.

At times I answer politely making them understand that a woman’s sole purpose in life is not to just get married and have kids. Not every woman is inclined to chop onions and potatoes in the kitchen. Or I simply respond “I am still waiting for my Mr. Right.” But at other times I simply lose my temper and say “I am happy just the way I am. I don’t need a man to run my life. I can take care of myself.”

It’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship or love someone. It’s just that I have been through relationships so often that it has become a norm for me to get hurt or heart broken, to get bruised beyond repair and to feel suffocated with terror and despair. The amount of time that I dedicate towards the relationship is soon seen as tremendously worthless and could never be turned back. I have devoted hours to helping my partners succeed, providing comfort, shelter, companionship that I have lost myself completely. In giving priority to my so called better half I have often been taken for granted that I hardly gave priority to my needs and desires.

I have been driven to extreme lengths where I held on to beliefs that in reality never make sense. He shouts at me because he is frustrated and stressed out. He is so busy he doesn’t have a second to spare for me. He is trying to change me for my own good. He loves me so much that’s why he tries to teach me the right way to behave with people. He treats me as an equal that’s why he has no hesitation in asking me to pay the bill or ask for money to party. He wants to improve my standard of living that is why he wants me to adapt his way of living. All these remarks have been believed by me with the utmost faith only to realize he loved me not for what I am but for what he could get from me physically and socially. He wanted to change me not because he wanted me to experience a life different from the one I was used to but because I could bear the burden of shouldering his responsibilities as well as mine. He wanted me to remain grateful for all my life for making me see the wealthier side of life.

I have done everything possible under the sun to make relationships work. I have wasted hours watching the seconds tick by hoping to get a call or message from them. I have canceled my appointments to spend time with them only to have them cancel at the last moment. I have shed tears to hide my pain and depression at having to do things I never enjoyed in the first place. I have worked hard to lavish my income on things I was happy to have my beloved experience or possess.

I jumped from one relationship to the next fearful of missing out on having a relationship. I wanted to feel what it means to be a girlfriend or sweetheart so bad I agreed to date and hang out in a jiffy, with any guy that first approached me. I was so touched and blinded by emotions and social norms that I wanted to belong to a gang and party hard. I wanted to let the whole world know I had a boyfriend or lover so much that I hid all the suffering and cracks in my relationships with a perfect smile and fake happiness.

I lied that I was receiving affection and all the love I required from my partners. I purchased gifts for myself and lied that it was a gift from my man. I squandered money without a care just to keep the relationship flowing. I agreed to perform acts that I was not comfortable with just to hold on to someone. I knew I was being lied to or taken for a fool but I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Even after knowing the whole truth I still held fast to the belief that he would come back and that my love as strong enough to win him back.

Amidst all this drama I forgot about myself completely. It was like the real me never existed. It took time and a lot of heartaches later that it dawned on me I was scared of loneliness. I was so afraid of not belonging somewhere or dying alone that I accepted the creepiest bit of affection just to not sleep alone or to prove that I was capable of being loved. I was reluctant to let go because my sense of worth was related to things I had no control over or to persons other than myself. I wanted to achieve and possess things that only left me devoid of emotions since I didn’t want them in the first place. So many times I ignored my gut feeling that this was not working or that I should probably let go.

Now I know better. I am stronger and better able to understand myself. Before I love someone else I need to love and accept myself. Before I point out another person’s shortcomings, I need to accept my faults, mistakes, and flaws. I need to be enough for myself. I should do the things I want to do not because someone asked me to or wants me to do but I need to do it for myself. I need to be at peace with myself before I set out to seek tranquility somewhere else.

Before I look for another relationship or seek marriage, I need to accomplish my goals and dreams. I need to be emotionally, mentally and spiritually ready for this new change. I need to re-discover myself, my interests and desires.

I need to educate myself more and fulfill my goal of achieving my Masters. I need to travel and see the places I have always wanted to see. I have to be strong enough to be able to support another person. I need to learn a new language or make new friends. I need to be comfortable with myself and accept myself completely before I set out to accept someone else. I need to tread carefully so I can awaken my inner spirit and redesign a new me.

Until then I am a single woman on the road to self discovery.

I am not perfect and so many times I will fall back and cry to have a partner. I will feel sad when I see my friends happily married or with kids. I will regard this as rubbish but I will always hold true to the fact that I need to love myself before I love someone else. I will always come back to this point until I am sure of myself and my goals. And if it never happens I will have my family and true friends for companionship. I will adopt a child and dedicate my life to that child. I do not need to be married or in a relationship to survive. I just need true love and it doesn’t necessarily have to relate to a man.

I am a single woman and proud to be one.