Sweet Tingly Butterflies Flapping Their Wings in my Heart

I am no stranger to heartbreak and heartache,

I have had my heart broken and shattered so many times I have lost count,

I have built up strong exteriors around my heart, which protect me from more pain and suffering,

But somehow my heart still hopes and yearns for some love, for someone who could genuinely care for me, make me smile, make all the struggles in life worth fighting for.

Alas, the heart is like a child that never gives up!!!!

I see him once a week on Saturday where I go for my weekend lunch,

The rest of the week goes by when tiny remembrances of him brush over my mind, making my heart flutter with excitement,

He’s always seated on the table next to mine, writing a report on some project,

Don’t ask me how I know, He spoke to me once,

and my heart skipped a beat!!

He monitors and evaluates projects, just the feel of these words is enough to get me all hyped up,

I love a man who writes , who does some sort of creative work.

He reads too!!! An added plus!!!

He’s cute, tall and that smile of his, a killer!!! That smile could cast a spell on femininity!!!!

His voice, a husky manly tone,

He’s a little shy, I catch bits of his glimpses on me,

I am as guilty as he is. I stare at him too,

Pretending to be lost in thought,

Or glancing over the book I am reading,

hoping to catch his eye, or just look at him for a teenie weenie bit,

It’s a game we play, stare with longing, with flirty gazes,

 

 

 

 

 

He isn’t like the other guys,

Straight away coming up to my table, asking for my number or trying to get too close too fast,

At times, I like this slowness, this old romance type attraction,

At times, my heart wishes he would make a move, ask for my number or say something other than just occasional smiles and glimpses,

Is he thinking about me the same way?

Is he feeling what I am feeling?

Am I constructing castles in the air?

Am I paving the way for another heartbreak?

I am scared, terrified that he may have someone else in his life,

That maybe it’s just me and my imagination running wild,

That there’s nothing here but infatuation,

But why does my heart wish for more?

Why does my heart beat faster when I see him walk towards his table?

Why does his voice strike a chord that matches with the music my heart hopes to create?

Why does his glance make butterflies flutter in my heart and everywhere else?

Why am I longing for him when I have no idea if he feels the same way about me?

Why do I smile while thinking of him?

Is this meant to be or is it just one of the many jokes karma is playing on me?

All I know is I like him and I wish for more,

Each second feels like ages and ages,

Why the anticipation? the fear? the panic?

Oh!!!! the butterflies, please stop fluttering as much as you do,

Please stop flapping your wings as hurriedly as you do,

until I know where I stand or what this all is about.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I live on 24 hours a day, what about you?

 

We all  live on 24 hours a day. We wake up in the morning, rush to work or school, come back home in the evening and sleep. This is how every human being on earth lives. There might be some slight variations or differences, but that is how a normal day goes by.

It amazes me when someone says I do not have time, especially when that someone is your friend or someone you expect to at least think of you sometime. It is not like I have a few more hours to live on or that I am less   busy. I just think that if you really and truly care for someone, you would make an effort to send them a message or make time for them. You are not at work every second of your day. You are not tied to your office every hour that goes by. At some point in their lives, people do not regret that they spent less time at their office, but they regret the fact that they spent less time with their loved ones or friends.

Some claim they do not have time to text their friends and reply in monologues when you text them, but they have the time to post a new status update on facebook or instagram. They do not reply to your messages till a day or two has passed, but they have read your message and changed their profile picture on Whatsapp. How is it that they manage to find the time for social media but not to talk to their friends?

Maybe I live a more balanced life or maybe I do not lead an exciting life or go out much.  Or maybe I manage to make an effort in order to do the things that I like to do. Instead of spending hours scrolling through my Facebook or Instagram, I choose to read a book. Instead of updating my profile picture or status update, I would rather talk to my friends or family. Instead of hanging out at night with total strangers, I would rather have coffee with a neighbour or a close friend.

I guess sometimes in life some people change their priorities. They no longer view you as an important link to their life. They just let you go silently. That is why I choose to have few trusted friends, who make an effort to be a part of my life and not just when it pleases them.

Yes, it hurts me and makes me cry. Maybe I am very emotional or just get attached too fast or expect a lot from people in general. But I would rather be that than just cold-hearted and too busy to even greet your friend who has been with you through every crisis you have overcome.

This is not a complaint but a cry from my heart!!!

We all live on 24 hours. It’s just how you set your priorities within those 24 hours that determines how busy you are.

Dwindling Friendship

 

There was a time when we were inseparable,

We spent every moment together,

Every second apart, we counted the minutes when we would be together again,

I was always there when you needed me,

When everyone was against you, I stood by your side,

Never letting you face any battle alone,

We laughed like there was no tomorrow,

There wasn’t a secret between us,

Everyone spoke of our friendship as a legend, a history they would narrate for generations to come,

There were many who tried to tear us apart,

But we stood united and together as ever,

Partners in crime, Accomplice in mischief,

That was us!!!

With you I felt like I could conquer the world,

Every challenge felt like a joy to face,

Every bout of sadness turned into a smile,

Every achievement felt like it was magnified a million times more,

Every secret we shared was a whisper no one would ever know,

But today, we hardly even talk,

the word “busy” defines our relationship to each other,

miles separate us because we are now in different towns,

different jobs,

we can post selfies and change our profile pictures,

but we can’t talk to each other,

we can socialize with others but not with us,

we can chat with others, but not to each other,

I feel a tug at my heart for feeling this way,

we are drifting apart,

You can barely answer my texts,

leaving monosyllables of yeah, yes, no

I feel like I have lost you,

I feel like I have been replaced,

I ask about your life but you never answer,

I ask about work and all you can say is busy,

So much going on in my life,

but you aren’t there to hear any of it,

I cry but you aren’t there to console my pain,

That’s fine,

I’ll always hold the memories we shared close to my heart,

Never again will I have a best friend,

because they all move away, leaving me where I am,

replacing me with the next best thing in life,

Dwindling Friendship,

Broken Friendship,

That’s what remains of us!!!!!

 

 

Enigmatic Creature – Seductive Abs

 

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I really don’t know what it is about him that attracts me to him,

He is unlike any of the men I have been with or want to be with,

Each second that passes by makes this attraction I feel for him grow from a bubble to a cloud,

He is not a complete stranger,

We had a fling when we were teenagers out on their own for the first time,

A kiss here and there,

An attempt to make out,

A gentle touch to ignite the flame of desire,

A gentle caress when nobody’s watching,

But never making love.

I liked his charm, the sweet husky melody of his voice,

The soft ruffle of his hair, styled to imitate a teenage hero,

The tattooed arms, a green star on his arm,

The chains around his neck, giving him a tough manly appearance,

A well known figure,

I know we can never be together,

We both want different things from life,

For him a fling is enough to get yourself acquainted with each other,

I need to feel the real thing, the real tingly feeling of having a man all for yourself, someone you can rely on and someone who does not just value your beauty but your thoughts and persona,

My body wants him yet my heart knows I can never have him for myself,

He brings out the wildest of desires within me, wanting to feel the sweet pang of pain combined with pleasure,

I have no love for him, just an attraction, an itch I need to scratch,

His well toned body, those abs

drive me wild,

drowsing my mind with confusion and passion,

Distance separates us in real sense,

But instant messaging brings us closer,

He wants a sexy snapshot here and there,

We talk sexy and dirty,

Like its not me, but a hidden vixen buried within my soul,

Two different individuals,

Linked together,

wanting different things yet tied together.

A merciless fling this is,

Oh! Enigmatic Creature.

You’ll be the death of me.

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Single Woman Struggle

 

I often wonder what goes on peoples’ minds when they ask me “Why are you still single?” , “Have you never dated?”, “All women your age are either dating or married”, “When are you planning on settling down?”, “Don’t you know how to attract a man to your side?”. This is the most widely asked question in my life. Not only my family, friends but also acquaintances or any other people I come across. If I had to be paid a dollar for every time I have been asked that question, I believe I would be a billionaire by now.

At times I answer politely making them understand that a woman’s sole purpose in life is not to just get married and have kids. Not every woman is inclined to chop onions and potatoes in the kitchen. Or I simply respond “I am still waiting for my Mr. Right.” But at other times I simply lose my temper and say “I am happy just the way I am. I don’t need a man to run my life. I can take care of myself.”

It’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship or love someone. It’s just that I have been through relationships so often that it has become a norm for me to get hurt or heart broken, to get bruised beyond repair and to feel suffocated with terror and despair. The amount of time that I dedicate towards the relationship is soon seen as tremendously worthless and could never be turned back. I have devoted hours to helping my partners succeed, providing comfort, shelter, companionship that I have lost myself completely. In giving priority to my so called better half I have often been taken for granted that I hardly gave priority to my needs and desires.

I have been driven to extreme lengths where I held on to beliefs that in reality never make sense. He shouts at me because he is frustrated and stressed out. He is so busy he doesn’t have a second to spare for me. He is trying to change me for my own good. He loves me so much that’s why he tries to teach me the right way to behave with people. He treats me as an equal that’s why he has no hesitation in asking me to pay the bill or ask for money to party. He wants to improve my standard of living that is why he wants me to adapt his way of living. All these remarks have been believed by me with the utmost faith only to realize he loved me not for what I am but for what he could get from me physically and socially. He wanted to change me not because he wanted me to experience a life different from the one I was used to but because I could bear the burden of shouldering his responsibilities as well as mine. He wanted me to remain grateful for all my life for making me see the wealthier side of life.

I have done everything possible under the sun to make relationships work. I have wasted hours watching the seconds tick by hoping to get a call or message from them. I have canceled my appointments to spend time with them only to have them cancel at the last moment. I have shed tears to hide my pain and depression at having to do things I never enjoyed in the first place. I have worked hard to lavish my income on things I was happy to have my beloved experience or possess.

I jumped from one relationship to the next fearful of missing out on having a relationship. I wanted to feel what it means to be a girlfriend or sweetheart so bad I agreed to date and hang out in a jiffy, with any guy that first approached me. I was so touched and blinded by emotions and social norms that I wanted to belong to a gang and party hard. I wanted to let the whole world know I had a boyfriend or lover so much that I hid all the suffering and cracks in my relationships with a perfect smile and fake happiness.

I lied that I was receiving affection and all the love I required from my partners. I purchased gifts for myself and lied that it was a gift from my man. I squandered money without a care just to keep the relationship flowing. I agreed to perform acts that I was not comfortable with just to hold on to someone. I knew I was being lied to or taken for a fool but I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Even after knowing the whole truth I still held fast to the belief that he would come back and that my love as strong enough to win him back.

Amidst all this drama I forgot about myself completely. It was like the real me never existed. It took time and a lot of heartaches later that it dawned on me I was scared of loneliness. I was so afraid of not belonging somewhere or dying alone that I accepted the creepiest bit of affection just to not sleep alone or to prove that I was capable of being loved. I was reluctant to let go because my sense of worth was related to things I had no control over or to persons other than myself. I wanted to achieve and possess things that only left me devoid of emotions since I didn’t want them in the first place. So many times I ignored my gut feeling that this was not working or that I should probably let go.

Now I know better. I am stronger and better able to understand myself. Before I love someone else I need to love and accept myself. Before I point out another person’s shortcomings, I need to accept my faults, mistakes, and flaws. I need to be enough for myself. I should do the things I want to do not because someone asked me to or wants me to do but I need to do it for myself. I need to be at peace with myself before I set out to seek tranquility somewhere else.

Before I look for another relationship or seek marriage, I need to accomplish my goals and dreams. I need to be emotionally, mentally and spiritually ready for this new change. I need to re-discover myself, my interests and desires.

I need to educate myself more and fulfill my goal of achieving my Masters. I need to travel and see the places I have always wanted to see. I have to be strong enough to be able to support another person. I need to learn a new language or make new friends. I need to be comfortable with myself and accept myself completely before I set out to accept someone else. I need to tread carefully so I can awaken my inner spirit and redesign a new me.

Until then I am a single woman on the road to self discovery.

I am not perfect and so many times I will fall back and cry to have a partner. I will feel sad when I see my friends happily married or with kids. I will regard this as rubbish but I will always hold true to the fact that I need to love myself before I love someone else. I will always come back to this point until I am sure of myself and my goals. And if it never happens I will have my family and true friends for companionship. I will adopt a child and dedicate my life to that child. I do not need to be married or in a relationship to survive. I just need true love and it doesn’t necessarily have to relate to a man.

I am a single woman and proud to be one.

 

Cocktail of Relationships

 

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Every time I come across a couple holding hands or gazing into each other eyes’ oblivious of the fact that someone is observing them

Every instant that I happen to see a man eagerly wait for his woman at the gate,

Every time I am forced to attend a wedding or observe my friends falling in love, cuddling next to each other or sweet texting each other,

I feel a pang of jealousy erupt within my soul,

I feel a twinge of pain in my heart,

I realize a deep sense of loneliness lingers within my life and I constantly feel it nagging my thoughts,

I feel this void in my life which may never be fulfilled,

How often have I been in a one-sided relationship where I was the only one devoted and committed to making our relationship work?

How often have I been taken for a fool, waiting for a text or call, waiting for a hug or kiss when it was freely been given to another woman?

How many times have I been told, “You are never enough”

“You are too fat”

“You are too short”

“You are doing this wrong and that wrong”

How many times have I shed tears over heart breaks and humiliating remarks driving my sense of worth at the lowest?

How many times have my achievements been seen as mediocre and worthless when I have worked immensely hard to be where I am?

How many times have I been discarded like a filthy piece of trash for my beautiful friends?

How often have I been compared to my friends, utterly shattering my spirit and self-respect?

How often have I been ridiculed for my opinions and thoughts?

How many times have I been scared of introducing my boyfriend to my friends, fearful of having been dumped?

How many times do I hear my friends complain of not receiving any text or call from their boyfriends? The fights and arguments? The sweet makeup kiss?

I yearn to feel all this. How unfortunate that I never experienced true love nor received even a sincere bit of affection from any of my relationships?

I console myself with the belief that I am better off alone

I smile hoping my heart understands that I no longer believe in a happily ever after or dwell in the hope that there is someone for me

I have had various shades of relationship cocktails and the only worthy flavor I prefer is my relationship with myself.