Sweet Tingly Butterflies Flapping Their Wings in my Heart

I am no stranger to heartbreak and heartache,

I have had my heart broken and shattered so many times I have lost count,

I have built up strong exteriors around my heart, which protect me from more pain and suffering,

But somehow my heart still hopes and yearns for some love, for someone who could genuinely care for me, make me smile, make all the struggles in life worth fighting for.

Alas, the heart is like a child that never gives up!!!!

I see him once a week on Saturday where I go for my weekend lunch,

The rest of the week goes by when tiny remembrances of him brush over my mind, making my heart flutter with excitement,

He’s always seated on the table next to mine, writing a report on some project,

Don’t ask me how I know, He spoke to me once,

and my heart skipped a beat!!

He monitors and evaluates projects, just the feel of these words is enough to get me all hyped up,

I love a man who writes , who does some sort of creative work.

He reads too!!! An added plus!!!

He’s cute, tall and that smile of his, a killer!!! That smile could cast a spell on femininity!!!!

His voice, a husky manly tone,

He’s a little shy, I catch bits of his glimpses on me,

I am as guilty as he is. I stare at him too,

Pretending to be lost in thought,

Or glancing over the book I am reading,

hoping to catch his eye, or just look at him for a teenie weenie bit,

It’s a game we play, stare with longing, with flirty gazes,

 

 

 

 

 

He isn’t like the other guys,

Straight away coming up to my table, asking for my number or trying to get too close too fast,

At times, I like this slowness, this old romance type attraction,

At times, my heart wishes he would make a move, ask for my number or say something other than just occasional smiles and glimpses,

Is he thinking about me the same way?

Is he feeling what I am feeling?

Am I constructing castles in the air?

Am I paving the way for another heartbreak?

I am scared, terrified that he may have someone else in his life,

That maybe it’s just me and my imagination running wild,

That there’s nothing here but infatuation,

But why does my heart wish for more?

Why does my heart beat faster when I see him walk towards his table?

Why does his voice strike a chord that matches with the music my heart hopes to create?

Why does his glance make butterflies flutter in my heart and everywhere else?

Why am I longing for him when I have no idea if he feels the same way about me?

Why do I smile while thinking of him?

Is this meant to be or is it just one of the many jokes karma is playing on me?

All I know is I like him and I wish for more,

Each second feels like ages and ages,

Why the anticipation? the fear? the panic?

Oh!!!! the butterflies, please stop fluttering as much as you do,

Please stop flapping your wings as hurriedly as you do,

until I know where I stand or what this all is about.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dwindling Friendship

 

There was a time when we were inseparable,

We spent every moment together,

Every second apart, we counted the minutes when we would be together again,

I was always there when you needed me,

When everyone was against you, I stood by your side,

Never letting you face any battle alone,

We laughed like there was no tomorrow,

There wasn’t a secret between us,

Everyone spoke of our friendship as a legend, a history they would narrate for generations to come,

There were many who tried to tear us apart,

But we stood united and together as ever,

Partners in crime, Accomplice in mischief,

That was us!!!

With you I felt like I could conquer the world,

Every challenge felt like a joy to face,

Every bout of sadness turned into a smile,

Every achievement felt like it was magnified a million times more,

Every secret we shared was a whisper no one would ever know,

But today, we hardly even talk,

the word “busy” defines our relationship to each other,

miles separate us because we are now in different towns,

different jobs,

we can post selfies and change our profile pictures,

but we can’t talk to each other,

we can socialize with others but not with us,

we can chat with others, but not to each other,

I feel a tug at my heart for feeling this way,

we are drifting apart,

You can barely answer my texts,

leaving monosyllables of yeah, yes, no

I feel like I have lost you,

I feel like I have been replaced,

I ask about your life but you never answer,

I ask about work and all you can say is busy,

So much going on in my life,

but you aren’t there to hear any of it,

I cry but you aren’t there to console my pain,

That’s fine,

I’ll always hold the memories we shared close to my heart,

Never again will I have a best friend,

because they all move away, leaving me where I am,

replacing me with the next best thing in life,

Dwindling Friendship,

Broken Friendship,

That’s what remains of us!!!!!

 

 

Shine Bright

 

img1500191868851Does a woman need to be a with a man to have a complete existence? Does a woman really need to have a man in life to survive or give meaning to her life? Does a woman really need to have a man in her life for companionship? Why does a single woman have to be considered a lonely soul? Why does a single woman have to conform to the society’s standard of love and marriage?

I am a 26 year old single woman. I have no issues with my singlehood or the absence of a male love interest in my life. All my life I have wanted to be loved by a man, someone who would sweep me off my feet and love me forever. I still remember during my high school days, how I would yearn to be one of my friends’ who have a guy pursue her and claim she was his love, how I wished my friend was the one who was asked about my likes and dislikes and how they could win me over.

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Alas! That never happened for me. I was the relationship advisor everyone came to ask for help. I was the one who resolved conflicts and love fights. I was the one who consoled broken hearts or buried her feelings because the guy I wanted saw me as just a friend or had feelings for my best friend. Obviously, this crushed my heart but I kept on hoping maybe someday it would be different.

Yes it was different once I grew up and had guys pursue me, very different from what I envisioned love to be. I was used, betrayed, hurt, disappointed and heart-broken. Sounds like cliché, yes. I now realize that I was never happy in those relationships and they were not the best for me. I accepted them for what they were – liars, cheaters, players, egomaniacs who were in love with the idea of making me confirm to what they expected me to be not the real me as I was. I was the next best thing for them – someone who was available when they needed someone the most, the girl who put her desires aside for them, the girl who texted them first thing in the morning, someone who loved them unconditionally and fought with the world and her family for them. But in the end she always turned up hurt, broken-hearted and depressed.

After several heart breaks I realized I actually was so in love with the idea of falling in love that I said yes to the first guy who actually asked me out. I so wanted to feel a sweet kiss on my lips so much that I let the selfish player taint me with his kisses even when it meant nothing to him. I was so desperate for having a guy I could take to meet my parents that I tried to right the wrongs and imperfections a man had when he had no intention of changing for the better. I blamed all the guys who hurt and disappointed me but now I have let it all go. I have no regrets or hard feelings. I am at peace with myself.

I now realize I do not need a man to complete my life. I need to be complete and whole myself before I look for my significant other. There are so many things I can do that do not require my having a boyfriend. I can read my books, go to the library, go for hiking or for dining our discovering myself, growing as a person till I am ready to pursue a relationship.

I have a nice job, wonderful family and friends I can talk to and share my life with. I have dreams and hopes I need to fulfill and achieve before I set out to conquer my heart. I am a star, slightly cracked from all the hardships of life but shining nonetheless. I am a star out to twinkle and explore the galaxies and shine as bright as possible. Most of all, I am for the first time completely content with my independence and freedom, I am seeking self acceptance from within my soul and proud of myself as a woman.

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Yet the world around me has set out to intrude my contentment and independence. You are growing old, you are 26. When will you get married and have kids? Everyone around you is getting married – why don’t you find someone as well? Why are you always reading in a corner? Go out, check the world, meet guys, have fun.

God!!! I am happy just the way I am. I know I am 26 and I do not want to rush into a relationship. I am strong, independent and happy with myself. When love will set in in my life, it won’t be because I am desperate or lonely or because everyone wants me to settle down.  It will be because I am ready, my heart is ready and the one I love is the person I can spend a lifetime with.

Till them I will shine bright, and at times my sparkle may dull or dim a little but I will not stop shining!!!

Single Woman Struggle

 

I often wonder what goes on peoples’ minds when they ask me “Why are you still single?” , “Have you never dated?”, “All women your age are either dating or married”, “When are you planning on settling down?”, “Don’t you know how to attract a man to your side?”. This is the most widely asked question in my life. Not only my family, friends but also acquaintances or any other people I come across. If I had to be paid a dollar for every time I have been asked that question, I believe I would be a billionaire by now.

At times I answer politely making them understand that a woman’s sole purpose in life is not to just get married and have kids. Not every woman is inclined to chop onions and potatoes in the kitchen. Or I simply respond “I am still waiting for my Mr. Right.” But at other times I simply lose my temper and say “I am happy just the way I am. I don’t need a man to run my life. I can take care of myself.”

It’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship or love someone. It’s just that I have been through relationships so often that it has become a norm for me to get hurt or heart broken, to get bruised beyond repair and to feel suffocated with terror and despair. The amount of time that I dedicate towards the relationship is soon seen as tremendously worthless and could never be turned back. I have devoted hours to helping my partners succeed, providing comfort, shelter, companionship that I have lost myself completely. In giving priority to my so called better half I have often been taken for granted that I hardly gave priority to my needs and desires.

I have been driven to extreme lengths where I held on to beliefs that in reality never make sense. He shouts at me because he is frustrated and stressed out. He is so busy he doesn’t have a second to spare for me. He is trying to change me for my own good. He loves me so much that’s why he tries to teach me the right way to behave with people. He treats me as an equal that’s why he has no hesitation in asking me to pay the bill or ask for money to party. He wants to improve my standard of living that is why he wants me to adapt his way of living. All these remarks have been believed by me with the utmost faith only to realize he loved me not for what I am but for what he could get from me physically and socially. He wanted to change me not because he wanted me to experience a life different from the one I was used to but because I could bear the burden of shouldering his responsibilities as well as mine. He wanted me to remain grateful for all my life for making me see the wealthier side of life.

I have done everything possible under the sun to make relationships work. I have wasted hours watching the seconds tick by hoping to get a call or message from them. I have canceled my appointments to spend time with them only to have them cancel at the last moment. I have shed tears to hide my pain and depression at having to do things I never enjoyed in the first place. I have worked hard to lavish my income on things I was happy to have my beloved experience or possess.

I jumped from one relationship to the next fearful of missing out on having a relationship. I wanted to feel what it means to be a girlfriend or sweetheart so bad I agreed to date and hang out in a jiffy, with any guy that first approached me. I was so touched and blinded by emotions and social norms that I wanted to belong to a gang and party hard. I wanted to let the whole world know I had a boyfriend or lover so much that I hid all the suffering and cracks in my relationships with a perfect smile and fake happiness.

I lied that I was receiving affection and all the love I required from my partners. I purchased gifts for myself and lied that it was a gift from my man. I squandered money without a care just to keep the relationship flowing. I agreed to perform acts that I was not comfortable with just to hold on to someone. I knew I was being lied to or taken for a fool but I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Even after knowing the whole truth I still held fast to the belief that he would come back and that my love as strong enough to win him back.

Amidst all this drama I forgot about myself completely. It was like the real me never existed. It took time and a lot of heartaches later that it dawned on me I was scared of loneliness. I was so afraid of not belonging somewhere or dying alone that I accepted the creepiest bit of affection just to not sleep alone or to prove that I was capable of being loved. I was reluctant to let go because my sense of worth was related to things I had no control over or to persons other than myself. I wanted to achieve and possess things that only left me devoid of emotions since I didn’t want them in the first place. So many times I ignored my gut feeling that this was not working or that I should probably let go.

Now I know better. I am stronger and better able to understand myself. Before I love someone else I need to love and accept myself. Before I point out another person’s shortcomings, I need to accept my faults, mistakes, and flaws. I need to be enough for myself. I should do the things I want to do not because someone asked me to or wants me to do but I need to do it for myself. I need to be at peace with myself before I set out to seek tranquility somewhere else.

Before I look for another relationship or seek marriage, I need to accomplish my goals and dreams. I need to be emotionally, mentally and spiritually ready for this new change. I need to re-discover myself, my interests and desires.

I need to educate myself more and fulfill my goal of achieving my Masters. I need to travel and see the places I have always wanted to see. I have to be strong enough to be able to support another person. I need to learn a new language or make new friends. I need to be comfortable with myself and accept myself completely before I set out to accept someone else. I need to tread carefully so I can awaken my inner spirit and redesign a new me.

Until then I am a single woman on the road to self discovery.

I am not perfect and so many times I will fall back and cry to have a partner. I will feel sad when I see my friends happily married or with kids. I will regard this as rubbish but I will always hold true to the fact that I need to love myself before I love someone else. I will always come back to this point until I am sure of myself and my goals. And if it never happens I will have my family and true friends for companionship. I will adopt a child and dedicate my life to that child. I do not need to be married or in a relationship to survive. I just need true love and it doesn’t necessarily have to relate to a man.

I am a single woman and proud to be one.

 

Cocktail of Relationships

 

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Every time I come across a couple holding hands or gazing into each other eyes’ oblivious of the fact that someone is observing them

Every instant that I happen to see a man eagerly wait for his woman at the gate,

Every time I am forced to attend a wedding or observe my friends falling in love, cuddling next to each other or sweet texting each other,

I feel a pang of jealousy erupt within my soul,

I feel a twinge of pain in my heart,

I realize a deep sense of loneliness lingers within my life and I constantly feel it nagging my thoughts,

I feel this void in my life which may never be fulfilled,

How often have I been in a one-sided relationship where I was the only one devoted and committed to making our relationship work?

How often have I been taken for a fool, waiting for a text or call, waiting for a hug or kiss when it was freely been given to another woman?

How many times have I been told, “You are never enough”

“You are too fat”

“You are too short”

“You are doing this wrong and that wrong”

How many times have I shed tears over heart breaks and humiliating remarks driving my sense of worth at the lowest?

How many times have my achievements been seen as mediocre and worthless when I have worked immensely hard to be where I am?

How many times have I been discarded like a filthy piece of trash for my beautiful friends?

How often have I been compared to my friends, utterly shattering my spirit and self-respect?

How often have I been ridiculed for my opinions and thoughts?

How many times have I been scared of introducing my boyfriend to my friends, fearful of having been dumped?

How many times do I hear my friends complain of not receiving any text or call from their boyfriends? The fights and arguments? The sweet makeup kiss?

I yearn to feel all this. How unfortunate that I never experienced true love nor received even a sincere bit of affection from any of my relationships?

I console myself with the belief that I am better off alone

I smile hoping my heart understands that I no longer believe in a happily ever after or dwell in the hope that there is someone for me

I have had various shades of relationship cocktails and the only worthy flavor I prefer is my relationship with myself.

Letter to my unborn baby girl – Love & Heartbreaks

Dear Baby Girl,

I don’t know if you will ever have the chance to read this letter that I write today. I have no idea if I will ever be blessed with a beautiful girl who would be an exact replica of me, loving to read books, having a passion for exploring the world, a smile that would melt daddy’s heart all the time, crazy , unpredictable,and most of all a good person at heart.

Nonetheless, I would like you to know and understand my experiences of love, heartbreak, and relationships in general. I have believed to be in love not once but a lot of times, so much that I now wonder whether I was actually in love or just in love with the idea of being in love. Love is a special feeling that should make your heart skip a beat every time you look at your beloved. It should make your heart flutter with excitement and light up a burning flame of desire that will forever flicker with the brightest glow. I know this sounds so cliche as if real life was like the pages of a romantic novel. Whatever the case the man you love should never make you settle for less than what you deserve.

I always expected love to make me feel giddy with excitement, make my heart race faster and brighten my life like the rays of sunshine. When I was in love, nothing like this actually happened. But I went on hoping maybe later it would happen, maybe if I stayed I would feel it. But it never occurred. Only get into a relationship you feel is worth fighting for and would give you real happiness. Hoping things will change in the future is like believing you can change the colors of the leaves to green in autumn  which is impossible.

Love should never compel or force you to do things you are not comfortable with. Love should give you a chance to go through with things at the pace you set. It should stand by you when you are scared and help you to get to safety. Love should not blackmail you into doing things you would never have done otherwise. So many times in love I have done things that I am not proud of, so many times I have acted in ways that were not only harmful but also made me feel ashamed, so many times I have sacrificed my own desires for theirs, so many times I have accepted their excuses and lies despite knowing how lame and false they are. Never feel guilty for standing up for your beliefs or desires. Never perform any act you do not feel comfortable with. If they truly love you they would not force you to do such things in the first place.

Always remember to speak your mind. Whatever you feel and think, share it with them. Don’t keep it to yourself. Don’t stay silent just because you are scared of losing them or starting up an argument with them.

Love should never just take something from you. It should let you be on the receiving end as well. In all my relationships I have only asked for love, honesty, care and support never material things. Not because they could not afford to give it to me but because I could get whatever I wanted myself. If I wanted a car, I could get one for myself. If I wanted a dress, I could get it myself. Why would I ask a man to get me something I could get for myself? But you know what the sad part is. The little that I asked was too much for them. I kept on allowing them to take whatever they wanted from me – money, my time, affection, love, anything that they needed leaving me like a barren tree devoid of any fruit. Never let a man treat you like a carpet laid at the entrance of a house where he can step on and wipe his feel leaving their dirt and grit on you.

Love should give you the time you need so you get to know each other. Love should not ignore you and see you only when it is convenient for them. If someone claims to love you they would make an effort to spend time with you. They would make you a priority not an option. For a person who does not value your presence in his life complaining about your absence once you leave makes no sense. If you have to beg and call till dusk just to talk to him there is no way the man loves you.

I have been through relationships where I had to send millions of texts, waiting for them to respond only to end up being ignored. I would call and call, but no response. I kept on waiting listening to their fibble excuses of being tied up with work, having a lot to do and just accepted the justification. Do not ever do that. You should not be the only one waiting for him to call or waiting for an answer.

Never fight for a relationship that makes me you feel lonelier or as if you were single. The purpose of a relationship is companionship. If you are not getting that what is the whole point of having a man? If he is never available for you, does not call you at night or plan outings with you, never texts you back chances are he already has another relationship to care for.

So be wise when it comes to love and relationships.

And remember love is a blessing. Don’t let anything make you feel as if it were a curse.