Shredded Hopes

                                                   c5f8eff61c9a3b966caa960b6331f9de0513f22828c78e32782277b4871584c2df6ca1

I often wonder how every instant in my life is clouded by the fear of failing,

I often marvel at how every second I am fearful of going through the worst tribulation,

I am often puzzled by how difficult life is turning out to be day after day,

Just when I feel this is is the worst that could ever happen to me, life throws me into another battle, worst than the former,

Just when I feel I have overcome a serious problem, another is thrown at my head, not giving me the opportunity to recover or evade the blow,

Failed relationships & Heartbreaks,

Financial setbacks,

Career issues,

family complications,

expecting too much,

everyone wanting a bit of you,

Sickness and Despair,

Sorrow and loneliness

I have been through it all,

How much more am I to endure?

How much more do I have to go through?

Is it never going to end?

When am I going to feel contentment and calm in my life?

When am I going to be genuinely happy with my life?

All the hopes, ambitions, aspirations that I once had

are fading

All the dreams and desires I once envisioned for myself

are dulling amidst the chaos of life

All the positivity, bravery, courage

are evaporating into thin air

Everything that I ever wanted is shredding into tiny droplets of despair

Hanging on to suck the breath out of me

Wanting to make me devoid of any kind of hope

or light

forcing me to succumb to anguish and frustration,

leading me to a path of darkness and melancholy,

Igniting an echo that flows endlessly around me,

Shredded Hopes

Shredded Hopes

Shredded Hopes

HELP HELP – Looking for my father

 

Image result for person telling a lie

In life, you come across a lot of people, some who leave a significant mark in your heart and others whom you forget along with time. I generally like to sit quietly and observe people around me, try to imagine what kind of lives they lead, what they must be thinking or how they justify their actions. I have been doing this since I was a young child, and I have learnt a lot just from observing and listening to people.

Last week, I was at the office when a young man passed by the office. His demeanour was suspicious, he kept on looking around the office, taking a few steps backwards and forwards as if he was weighing the odds of entering the office. I was a little hesitant to attend to him but I did not want to appear rude and so I politely asked how I could help him.

“I really don’t know how to explain it to you. I am a bit confused” he responded. This was a surprise for me. His reluctance to explain what’s going on with him and the confusion made me feel a little awkward. He wore a pink long-sleeved shirt with creases around the shoulders, blue pants and a black backpack on his shoulder. He might have been 23 or 24 years old. He avoided eye contact which many would regard as a sign of lying but something about him forced me to try talking to him, to see if he genuinely needed assistance.

“Well, you will have to explain what exactly you need otherwise I will not be able to assist you.”

“My name is Michael and I am from Uganda,” he began explaining. “I am looking for my father whom I last saw when I was four years old.  My belongings – my phone, clothes, money and passport were stolen.  I need a lawyer’s assistance to help me in locating the whereabouts of my father. I could not decide whether he was saying the truth or lying at that point so I informed him that we are a corporate consulting firm and generally do not deal with immigration or criminal issues. However, to ensure he does not lose heart I asked him to leave his contact details so I can share his situation with the directors and lawyers, and inform him if they decide to represent him in his case.

“I do not have a phone. I told you all my belongings were stolen.” I sensed his frustration but I told him I will speak to the Manager but I cannot guarantee that they will be able to help him out since they already have lots of cases to handle. I directed him to a nearby law firm which generally deals with such cases.

He thanked me and just opened the door when a thought struck me and I called him back. I inquired if he had visited the Ugandan embassy and asked for their help. “I spoke to them but they said they can’t help me since my issue is personal. If it was a state or governmental issue they would have helped me out.

My curiosity took hold of me and I asked him why he was looking for his father in Tanzania when he was born in Uganda. He calmly explained that his father worked for the military and was posted to Uganda during the war eras. He met his mother there and a year later he was born. When he was four years old, his father came beck to Tanzania and never returned. He took a photograph out of his bag and showed me an old faded photograph of a middle-aged tall man sitting on a wooden chair with a young boy on his lap. I could not see any resemblance between the child in the photo and the boy standing in front of me, but children change as they grow older so I did not pay much attention to it.

I asked him whether he had been to the military headquarters. If he was in the army they might know where he is residing or any related information. He said the military could not locate his father based on a photograph and he did not have any other identification related to his father. I felt sorry for the young boy but I could not really do anything on my own. I was not even sure if he was saying the truth or was just lying to me.

Another question popped into my head and I inquired why he was looking for his father after so many years.He sadly said he lost his mother recently passed away and gave him his father’s name urging him to find the man so he could help him. He had no one else besides his mother to look and care for him.

I was very affected by his story and asked if he had reported to the police. Maybe they could help him file a missing person report and commence an enquiry. He said he had contacted them and proceeded to show me a loss report of all his stolen belongings. I suggested that he should take help from the media – newspapers, radio. They had a wider reach and could be a great help to him. He said the radio station asked him for 15,000 shillings to air his story and to help announce that he is looking for his father.

I am a Daddy’s girl and being miles away from him is a daily struggle for me. I love him so much, I can happily give my life to save his. Maybe it was that father angle that induced me so I gave him 10,000 shillings to help him out. He thanked me profoundly and left the office.

As he was leaving, one of my colleagues saw him and asked, “How much did he con from you?” I was puzzled thinking he could be joking. I explained the story he had narrated to me and how I had wanted to help him. He smiled and told me, “the guy is totally fake person and liar. He goes around offices and shops asking for help so he can get some money. He presented the same story a few days earlier to the nearby shops and offices as well.”

I honestly do not know if he was lying or saying the truth. I do not know which version is the accurate one. I rest in peace knowing I did a good deed. Whether he lied or not, let God be the judge.

We can lie to the world but not to ourselves. I want to start the day with a clear and not guilty conscience.

Related image

Single Woman Struggle

 

I often wonder what goes on peoples’ minds when they ask me “Why are you still single?” , “Have you never dated?”, “All women your age are either dating or married”, “When are you planning on settling down?”, “Don’t you know how to attract a man to your side?”. This is the most widely asked question in my life. Not only my family, friends but also acquaintances or any other people I come across. If I had to be paid a dollar for every time I have been asked that question, I believe I would be a billionaire by now.

At times I answer politely making them understand that a woman’s sole purpose in life is not to just get married and have kids. Not every woman is inclined to chop onions and potatoes in the kitchen. Or I simply respond “I am still waiting for my Mr. Right.” But at other times I simply lose my temper and say “I am happy just the way I am. I don’t need a man to run my life. I can take care of myself.”

It’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship or love someone. It’s just that I have been through relationships so often that it has become a norm for me to get hurt or heart broken, to get bruised beyond repair and to feel suffocated with terror and despair. The amount of time that I dedicate towards the relationship is soon seen as tremendously worthless and could never be turned back. I have devoted hours to helping my partners succeed, providing comfort, shelter, companionship that I have lost myself completely. In giving priority to my so called better half I have often been taken for granted that I hardly gave priority to my needs and desires.

I have been driven to extreme lengths where I held on to beliefs that in reality never make sense. He shouts at me because he is frustrated and stressed out. He is so busy he doesn’t have a second to spare for me. He is trying to change me for my own good. He loves me so much that’s why he tries to teach me the right way to behave with people. He treats me as an equal that’s why he has no hesitation in asking me to pay the bill or ask for money to party. He wants to improve my standard of living that is why he wants me to adapt his way of living. All these remarks have been believed by me with the utmost faith only to realize he loved me not for what I am but for what he could get from me physically and socially. He wanted to change me not because he wanted me to experience a life different from the one I was used to but because I could bear the burden of shouldering his responsibilities as well as mine. He wanted me to remain grateful for all my life for making me see the wealthier side of life.

I have done everything possible under the sun to make relationships work. I have wasted hours watching the seconds tick by hoping to get a call or message from them. I have canceled my appointments to spend time with them only to have them cancel at the last moment. I have shed tears to hide my pain and depression at having to do things I never enjoyed in the first place. I have worked hard to lavish my income on things I was happy to have my beloved experience or possess.

I jumped from one relationship to the next fearful of missing out on having a relationship. I wanted to feel what it means to be a girlfriend or sweetheart so bad I agreed to date and hang out in a jiffy, with any guy that first approached me. I was so touched and blinded by emotions and social norms that I wanted to belong to a gang and party hard. I wanted to let the whole world know I had a boyfriend or lover so much that I hid all the suffering and cracks in my relationships with a perfect smile and fake happiness.

I lied that I was receiving affection and all the love I required from my partners. I purchased gifts for myself and lied that it was a gift from my man. I squandered money without a care just to keep the relationship flowing. I agreed to perform acts that I was not comfortable with just to hold on to someone. I knew I was being lied to or taken for a fool but I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Even after knowing the whole truth I still held fast to the belief that he would come back and that my love as strong enough to win him back.

Amidst all this drama I forgot about myself completely. It was like the real me never existed. It took time and a lot of heartaches later that it dawned on me I was scared of loneliness. I was so afraid of not belonging somewhere or dying alone that I accepted the creepiest bit of affection just to not sleep alone or to prove that I was capable of being loved. I was reluctant to let go because my sense of worth was related to things I had no control over or to persons other than myself. I wanted to achieve and possess things that only left me devoid of emotions since I didn’t want them in the first place. So many times I ignored my gut feeling that this was not working or that I should probably let go.

Now I know better. I am stronger and better able to understand myself. Before I love someone else I need to love and accept myself. Before I point out another person’s shortcomings, I need to accept my faults, mistakes, and flaws. I need to be enough for myself. I should do the things I want to do not because someone asked me to or wants me to do but I need to do it for myself. I need to be at peace with myself before I set out to seek tranquility somewhere else.

Before I look for another relationship or seek marriage, I need to accomplish my goals and dreams. I need to be emotionally, mentally and spiritually ready for this new change. I need to re-discover myself, my interests and desires.

I need to educate myself more and fulfill my goal of achieving my Masters. I need to travel and see the places I have always wanted to see. I have to be strong enough to be able to support another person. I need to learn a new language or make new friends. I need to be comfortable with myself and accept myself completely before I set out to accept someone else. I need to tread carefully so I can awaken my inner spirit and redesign a new me.

Until then I am a single woman on the road to self discovery.

I am not perfect and so many times I will fall back and cry to have a partner. I will feel sad when I see my friends happily married or with kids. I will regard this as rubbish but I will always hold true to the fact that I need to love myself before I love someone else. I will always come back to this point until I am sure of myself and my goals. And if it never happens I will have my family and true friends for companionship. I will adopt a child and dedicate my life to that child. I do not need to be married or in a relationship to survive. I just need true love and it doesn’t necessarily have to relate to a man.

I am a single woman and proud to be one.

 

Cocktail of Relationships

 

flaming_cocktails

 

 

Every time I come across a couple holding hands or gazing into each other eyes’ oblivious of the fact that someone is observing them

Every instant that I happen to see a man eagerly wait for his woman at the gate,

Every time I am forced to attend a wedding or observe my friends falling in love, cuddling next to each other or sweet texting each other,

I feel a pang of jealousy erupt within my soul,

I feel a twinge of pain in my heart,

I realize a deep sense of loneliness lingers within my life and I constantly feel it nagging my thoughts,

I feel this void in my life which may never be fulfilled,

How often have I been in a one-sided relationship where I was the only one devoted and committed to making our relationship work?

How often have I been taken for a fool, waiting for a text or call, waiting for a hug or kiss when it was freely been given to another woman?

How many times have I been told, “You are never enough”

“You are too fat”

“You are too short”

“You are doing this wrong and that wrong”

How many times have I shed tears over heart breaks and humiliating remarks driving my sense of worth at the lowest?

How many times have my achievements been seen as mediocre and worthless when I have worked immensely hard to be where I am?

How many times have I been discarded like a filthy piece of trash for my beautiful friends?

How often have I been compared to my friends, utterly shattering my spirit and self-respect?

How often have I been ridiculed for my opinions and thoughts?

How many times have I been scared of introducing my boyfriend to my friends, fearful of having been dumped?

How many times do I hear my friends complain of not receiving any text or call from their boyfriends? The fights and arguments? The sweet makeup kiss?

I yearn to feel all this. How unfortunate that I never experienced true love nor received even a sincere bit of affection from any of my relationships?

I console myself with the belief that I am better off alone

I smile hoping my heart understands that I no longer believe in a happily ever after or dwell in the hope that there is someone for me

I have had various shades of relationship cocktails and the only worthy flavor I prefer is my relationship with myself.

Sugar Coated

sugar-coated-lips.jpg

Life has taught me one simple truth which never fails to give me solace when I am feeling weakened and stressed with the daily pressures of life. I am no stranger to the downfalls and failures one goes through in life. At a very young age, I knew my life was not going to be as easy as the other kids around me. No doubt they had their own struggles but they had better opportunities than I did.

As I grew up my belief in the hope of a happily ever after had dimmed considerably. Life will never shower you with a perfect tomorrow. All you can hope and pray for is the strength and courage to face adversities without losing yourself or accepting defeat.

You will always have people around you, some who are family, some friends, some colleagues and some acquaintances you see daily on the bus or church but do not really have a strong bond with. All these people will relate to you in different ways. Some will help you in need. Others will abandon you.

But the major theme that remains common is that these people are with you for their own selfish reasons. They will be nice towards you not because they are truly nice but because they are receiving something from you that they desperately need. Be it family or friends or lovers, they are with you until they have exhausted your potential to the maximum level possible.

Once they can no longer get what you provided in the first place they will move on  to other people and experiences.

I will not say I am selfless or any better. I am a selfish person too at times.

We all sugarcoat our intentions and opinions to match with others so we can confirm to their beliefs and not appear awkward. We never let out true selves be revealed except in the deepest confines of our conscience. We pretend to be nice and humble when all we really want to do is beat the living hell out of someone.

That is just life. No one is right or wrong.

it is just a sugar coated world for the sugar coated times in a sugar coated life.

Under a Blanket of Shiny Stars

a7381097631dfeb6f73a4f9e01c4bf51

What does a human being need to survive in this world? Food? Clothes? Shelter?  Others would say we need love, care, affection, friendship or family. Everyone will have their own opinion but the consensus still remains that the basic needs every person needs to ensure survival is food, clothes, and shelter.

A large number of people receive these needs and take it for granted not realizing there are so many unfortunate individuals out there who have no access or means to get these things. On a larger scale, we have refugees, victims of war or political unrest, victims of natural hazards like floods, tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes. On another scale, we have orphans, street children, beggars.

Every morning on my way to work I pass these few young men sleeping across the trench on the pavement. Sometimes I pass by without any thought minding my business. At other times I think how I would fare if I were in their position. Not having shelter to shield themselves from the cold or rain, Not having a home where I could sit and watch television or read a book, Not having a place I could call my own.Not having a bed to sleep on.

Yet they continue to survive. They pick up discarded boxes and tear them to make a sort of sheet on which they could sleep. They have stones and logs for pillows. The ground is their daily bedroom. How fortunate are we that we have a home, clean bed sheets and a room to spend the night.

They sit under the trees or cover themselves with broken buckets to shield themselves from rain. They cover themselves with used bags of cement or leaves.

They earn a living by washing or cleaning cars as the traffic lights force the drivers to wait in long queues for more than an hour. Everyone has their own specific set of cars to look for. In case someone else approaches a car not belonging to their “client list” chaos and fights usually follow.

Sometimes they are such a nuisance. They tease and harass women or young girls passing by hoping to get a reaction out of them. I have many a time been told how beautiful I am or how nice it would be if they could lay their hands on me (which is quite scary and something they are very much capable of doing).  Sometimes they wait for unwary passengers or tourists and rob them of their belongings. Sometimes they just cause unnecessary mayhem by fighting and beating up each other with stones and bricks or whatever they can get their hands on.

The few coins they get for washing cars is usually spent on food or cigarettes and sometimes drugs. Some use the money for luring girls for their pleasure. It amazes me that these individuals hardly have enough to sustain themselves yet they have more than two or three children of their own who are forced to beg on the streets or turn into  hardened criminals and prostitution to get a single meal for the day. I understand they are human beings just like I am, they have needs and desires just like I do, but why do you have to resort to these behaviors? Why force your own daughter or wife to live a life you are living? Why not go to school? Primary education is free. Why not avoid causing chaos in the streets?

I was blessed to have an education, a safe home,and a good job. I do not have to beg for money or resort to harmful and illegal activities to get a few slices of bread. yet how many of us realize how privileged we are? We often look at these youth as a menace to society? As unneeded vermins? As criminals? Does not having a life we are accustomed to make them less of a human? Does not have a stable upbringing make them less deserving of life? Does our attitude towards them help to find a solution to these issues?

They are seen wearing rags and filthy clothes, using shoe strings as belts. Most of their clothes are hardly fit to be used as dressing attires. Sometimes they pick throw aways from garbage cans and alter them to their liking. Yet we have wardrobes full of dresses we will never wear and still continue adding up to our collection.

They have nothing yet they make the most of everything. We have everything yet we feel  we have nothing? We have homes, beds, chairs, tv and music systems, phones, delicious cuisines and so many things we hardly give any thought to how lucky we are.

They have a blanket of stars and the dark sky above their heads. They have the grasses and ground to lay for the night. They have trees for houses and the passersby for entertainment. They have rags to wear. They have broken heels or plastic bags for slippers.

All they are proud of possessing is a blanket of shiny stars which can never be snatched or stolen and for which no claim can ever be laid.