Empty Canvass

 

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A sense of dread gradually creeps into my mind,

awakening the fear I have tried to bury deep down in my soul,

forcing me to face the challenge I am not prepared to witness,

urging me to take a leap of faith I am not sure of surviving,

Why does it feel like no matter what I do, it’s never enough?

Why does it feel like I am trapped within this world?

Why am I scared of failure?

Why have I lost the ability to joyfully smile and face life?

Why do I hide my real desires frightened of scorn and ridicule?

Why am I scared of what the world might think of me?

I am like an empty canvass

fearful of being ripped and tainted by the extreme galore of colors?

How will I be anything but an empty canvass if this fear fails to diminish from my life?

 

Happy Birthday Papa

 

 

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Among the darkest clouds in my life, your light shines brighter than the star,

In the chaos of daily life, yours is the hand that leads me to peace and tranquility,

When the clock of sorrow ticks around my life, yours are the arms that hold me tight

When the wave of sadness washes me over,  yours are the words and gestures that put a smile on my face,

When I feel lonely and lost, your voice is the guide that leads me home or close to my destination,

When I do wrong, yours is the guidance that I seek,

When I am heartbroken, yours is the gentleness that heals my wounds,

When I am scared, yours is the protection I seek,

When I achieve even the tiniest bit of success, yours is the loudest applause and praise that I hear,

When I raise my hands in prayer to the Almighty God, Yours is the blessing that I wish bestowed upon me,

I am surely endowed with divine grace to have a father like you,

And on your special day, the day you were born, I wish for nothing else but your happiness and good health,

I wish for understanding and love so I can always cherish your presence in my life,

I pray for wisdom and courage so I may hold your hand when pain strikes your body,

I pray for your existence in my life and my future children so you may impart your wise words to them,

Happy Birthday, Papa!!!!

I Love You.

Shredded Hopes

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I often wonder how every instant in my life is clouded by the fear of failing,

I often marvel at how every second I am fearful of going through the worst tribulation,

I am often puzzled by how difficult life is turning out to be day after day,

Just when I feel this is is the worst that could ever happen to me, life throws me into another battle, worst than the former,

Just when I feel I have overcome a serious problem, another is thrown at my head, not giving me the opportunity to recover or evade the blow,

Failed relationships & Heartbreaks,

Financial setbacks,

Career issues,

family complications,

expecting too much,

everyone wanting a bit of you,

Sickness and Despair,

Sorrow and loneliness

I have been through it all,

How much more am I to endure?

How much more do I have to go through?

Is it never going to end?

When am I going to feel contentment and calm in my life?

When am I going to be genuinely happy with my life?

All the hopes, ambitions, aspirations that I once had

are fading

All the dreams and desires I once envisioned for myself

are dulling amidst the chaos of life

All the positivity, bravery, courage

are evaporating into thin air

Everything that I ever wanted is shredding into tiny droplets of despair

Hanging on to suck the breath out of me

Wanting to make me devoid of any kind of hope

or light

forcing me to succumb to anguish and frustration,

leading me to a path of darkness and melancholy,

Igniting an echo that flows endlessly around me,

Shredded Hopes

Shredded Hopes

Shredded Hopes

Single Woman Struggle

 

I often wonder what goes on peoples’ minds when they ask me “Why are you still single?” , “Have you never dated?”, “All women your age are either dating or married”, “When are you planning on settling down?”, “Don’t you know how to attract a man to your side?”. This is the most widely asked question in my life. Not only my family, friends but also acquaintances or any other people I come across. If I had to be paid a dollar for every time I have been asked that question, I believe I would be a billionaire by now.

At times I answer politely making them understand that a woman’s sole purpose in life is not to just get married and have kids. Not every woman is inclined to chop onions and potatoes in the kitchen. Or I simply respond “I am still waiting for my Mr. Right.” But at other times I simply lose my temper and say “I am happy just the way I am. I don’t need a man to run my life. I can take care of myself.”

It’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship or love someone. It’s just that I have been through relationships so often that it has become a norm for me to get hurt or heart broken, to get bruised beyond repair and to feel suffocated with terror and despair. The amount of time that I dedicate towards the relationship is soon seen as tremendously worthless and could never be turned back. I have devoted hours to helping my partners succeed, providing comfort, shelter, companionship that I have lost myself completely. In giving priority to my so called better half I have often been taken for granted that I hardly gave priority to my needs and desires.

I have been driven to extreme lengths where I held on to beliefs that in reality never make sense. He shouts at me because he is frustrated and stressed out. He is so busy he doesn’t have a second to spare for me. He is trying to change me for my own good. He loves me so much that’s why he tries to teach me the right way to behave with people. He treats me as an equal that’s why he has no hesitation in asking me to pay the bill or ask for money to party. He wants to improve my standard of living that is why he wants me to adapt his way of living. All these remarks have been believed by me with the utmost faith only to realize he loved me not for what I am but for what he could get from me physically and socially. He wanted to change me not because he wanted me to experience a life different from the one I was used to but because I could bear the burden of shouldering his responsibilities as well as mine. He wanted me to remain grateful for all my life for making me see the wealthier side of life.

I have done everything possible under the sun to make relationships work. I have wasted hours watching the seconds tick by hoping to get a call or message from them. I have canceled my appointments to spend time with them only to have them cancel at the last moment. I have shed tears to hide my pain and depression at having to do things I never enjoyed in the first place. I have worked hard to lavish my income on things I was happy to have my beloved experience or possess.

I jumped from one relationship to the next fearful of missing out on having a relationship. I wanted to feel what it means to be a girlfriend or sweetheart so bad I agreed to date and hang out in a jiffy, with any guy that first approached me. I was so touched and blinded by emotions and social norms that I wanted to belong to a gang and party hard. I wanted to let the whole world know I had a boyfriend or lover so much that I hid all the suffering and cracks in my relationships with a perfect smile and fake happiness.

I lied that I was receiving affection and all the love I required from my partners. I purchased gifts for myself and lied that it was a gift from my man. I squandered money without a care just to keep the relationship flowing. I agreed to perform acts that I was not comfortable with just to hold on to someone. I knew I was being lied to or taken for a fool but I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Even after knowing the whole truth I still held fast to the belief that he would come back and that my love as strong enough to win him back.

Amidst all this drama I forgot about myself completely. It was like the real me never existed. It took time and a lot of heartaches later that it dawned on me I was scared of loneliness. I was so afraid of not belonging somewhere or dying alone that I accepted the creepiest bit of affection just to not sleep alone or to prove that I was capable of being loved. I was reluctant to let go because my sense of worth was related to things I had no control over or to persons other than myself. I wanted to achieve and possess things that only left me devoid of emotions since I didn’t want them in the first place. So many times I ignored my gut feeling that this was not working or that I should probably let go.

Now I know better. I am stronger and better able to understand myself. Before I love someone else I need to love and accept myself. Before I point out another person’s shortcomings, I need to accept my faults, mistakes, and flaws. I need to be enough for myself. I should do the things I want to do not because someone asked me to or wants me to do but I need to do it for myself. I need to be at peace with myself before I set out to seek tranquility somewhere else.

Before I look for another relationship or seek marriage, I need to accomplish my goals and dreams. I need to be emotionally, mentally and spiritually ready for this new change. I need to re-discover myself, my interests and desires.

I need to educate myself more and fulfill my goal of achieving my Masters. I need to travel and see the places I have always wanted to see. I have to be strong enough to be able to support another person. I need to learn a new language or make new friends. I need to be comfortable with myself and accept myself completely before I set out to accept someone else. I need to tread carefully so I can awaken my inner spirit and redesign a new me.

Until then I am a single woman on the road to self discovery.

I am not perfect and so many times I will fall back and cry to have a partner. I will feel sad when I see my friends happily married or with kids. I will regard this as rubbish but I will always hold true to the fact that I need to love myself before I love someone else. I will always come back to this point until I am sure of myself and my goals. And if it never happens I will have my family and true friends for companionship. I will adopt a child and dedicate my life to that child. I do not need to be married or in a relationship to survive. I just need true love and it doesn’t necessarily have to relate to a man.

I am a single woman and proud to be one.

 

Reluctant Heartbeat

 

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All I ever wanted was to have a sweet caring person who loved me just the way I was,

With all my flaws,

With all my imperfections,

With all my craziness.

All I ever wished for was to have a shoulder I lay my head on,

A sleepy smiling face I could wake up to every morning,

A gentle soul I could cuddle with,

An honest person I could share my deepest fears with,

A strong chest I could bury myself in when everything went amiss.

All I ever desired was to have a man who appreciates my existence,

Who genuinely cares for me,

Who loves me not for my wordly possessions or beauty, but for my heart and cannot imagine staying away from my side for even a second,

Who is there to wipe my tears when I am sad,

Who is there to make me smile,

Who doesn’t abandon me when I fail or make mistakes,

Who doesn’t laugh at my dreams,

Who gives me hope in despair.

All I ever dreamed was to have a relationship where I gave love and received love,

Where my opinions were considered,

Where I was treasured,

And where we both grew as individuals and challenged each other to be the best we could be.

But guess what I got in reality?

False love,

Betrayal and heart break,

Lies, Dishonesty and immaturity,

Pain and suffering,

Loneliness and endless agony,

Insults and scars.

I am broken beyond repair,

Wiped out of every ounce of hope,

Doomed to never be able to love again,

For I no longer have a heart but a fragile petal withered to its last,

Even if I do find love,

I will always carry the marks of heartbreak and heartache to my grave.

I have a reluctant heart,

That will always hesistate to love and trust again.

Reluctant Heart.