Shredded Hopes

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I often wonder how every instant in my life is clouded by the fear of failing,

I often marvel at how every second I am fearful of going through the worst tribulation,

I am often puzzled by how difficult life is turning out to be day after day,

Just when I feel this is is the worst that could ever happen to me, life throws me into another battle, worst than the former,

Just when I feel I have overcome a serious problem, another is thrown at my head, not giving me the opportunity to recover or evade the blow,

Failed relationships & Heartbreaks,

Financial setbacks,

Career issues,

family complications,

expecting too much,

everyone wanting a bit of you,

Sickness and Despair,

Sorrow and loneliness

I have been through it all,

How much more am I to endure?

How much more do I have to go through?

Is it never going to end?

When am I going to feel contentment and calm in my life?

When am I going to be genuinely happy with my life?

All the hopes, ambitions, aspirations that I once had

are fading

All the dreams and desires I once envisioned for myself

are dulling amidst the chaos of life

All the positivity, bravery, courage

are evaporating into thin air

Everything that I ever wanted is shredding into tiny droplets of despair

Hanging on to suck the breath out of me

Wanting to make me devoid of any kind of hope

or light

forcing me to succumb to anguish and frustration,

leading me to a path of darkness and melancholy,

Igniting an echo that flows endlessly around me,

Shredded Hopes

Shredded Hopes

Shredded Hopes

Single Woman Struggle

 

I often wonder what goes on peoples’ minds when they ask me “Why are you still single?” , “Have you never dated?”, “All women your age are either dating or married”, “When are you planning on settling down?”, “Don’t you know how to attract a man to your side?”. This is the most widely asked question in my life. Not only my family, friends but also acquaintances or any other people I come across. If I had to be paid a dollar for every time I have been asked that question, I believe I would be a billionaire by now.

At times I answer politely making them understand that a woman’s sole purpose in life is not to just get married and have kids. Not every woman is inclined to chop onions and potatoes in the kitchen. Or I simply respond “I am still waiting for my Mr. Right.” But at other times I simply lose my temper and say “I am happy just the way I am. I don’t need a man to run my life. I can take care of myself.”

It’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship or love someone. It’s just that I have been through relationships so often that it has become a norm for me to get hurt or heart broken, to get bruised beyond repair and to feel suffocated with terror and despair. The amount of time that I dedicate towards the relationship is soon seen as tremendously worthless and could never be turned back. I have devoted hours to helping my partners succeed, providing comfort, shelter, companionship that I have lost myself completely. In giving priority to my so called better half I have often been taken for granted that I hardly gave priority to my needs and desires.

I have been driven to extreme lengths where I held on to beliefs that in reality never make sense. He shouts at me because he is frustrated and stressed out. He is so busy he doesn’t have a second to spare for me. He is trying to change me for my own good. He loves me so much that’s why he tries to teach me the right way to behave with people. He treats me as an equal that’s why he has no hesitation in asking me to pay the bill or ask for money to party. He wants to improve my standard of living that is why he wants me to adapt his way of living. All these remarks have been believed by me with the utmost faith only to realize he loved me not for what I am but for what he could get from me physically and socially. He wanted to change me not because he wanted me to experience a life different from the one I was used to but because I could bear the burden of shouldering his responsibilities as well as mine. He wanted me to remain grateful for all my life for making me see the wealthier side of life.

I have done everything possible under the sun to make relationships work. I have wasted hours watching the seconds tick by hoping to get a call or message from them. I have canceled my appointments to spend time with them only to have them cancel at the last moment. I have shed tears to hide my pain and depression at having to do things I never enjoyed in the first place. I have worked hard to lavish my income on things I was happy to have my beloved experience or possess.

I jumped from one relationship to the next fearful of missing out on having a relationship. I wanted to feel what it means to be a girlfriend or sweetheart so bad I agreed to date and hang out in a jiffy, with any guy that first approached me. I was so touched and blinded by emotions and social norms that I wanted to belong to a gang and party hard. I wanted to let the whole world know I had a boyfriend or lover so much that I hid all the suffering and cracks in my relationships with a perfect smile and fake happiness.

I lied that I was receiving affection and all the love I required from my partners. I purchased gifts for myself and lied that it was a gift from my man. I squandered money without a care just to keep the relationship flowing. I agreed to perform acts that I was not comfortable with just to hold on to someone. I knew I was being lied to or taken for a fool but I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Even after knowing the whole truth I still held fast to the belief that he would come back and that my love as strong enough to win him back.

Amidst all this drama I forgot about myself completely. It was like the real me never existed. It took time and a lot of heartaches later that it dawned on me I was scared of loneliness. I was so afraid of not belonging somewhere or dying alone that I accepted the creepiest bit of affection just to not sleep alone or to prove that I was capable of being loved. I was reluctant to let go because my sense of worth was related to things I had no control over or to persons other than myself. I wanted to achieve and possess things that only left me devoid of emotions since I didn’t want them in the first place. So many times I ignored my gut feeling that this was not working or that I should probably let go.

Now I know better. I am stronger and better able to understand myself. Before I love someone else I need to love and accept myself. Before I point out another person’s shortcomings, I need to accept my faults, mistakes, and flaws. I need to be enough for myself. I should do the things I want to do not because someone asked me to or wants me to do but I need to do it for myself. I need to be at peace with myself before I set out to seek tranquility somewhere else.

Before I look for another relationship or seek marriage, I need to accomplish my goals and dreams. I need to be emotionally, mentally and spiritually ready for this new change. I need to re-discover myself, my interests and desires.

I need to educate myself more and fulfill my goal of achieving my Masters. I need to travel and see the places I have always wanted to see. I have to be strong enough to be able to support another person. I need to learn a new language or make new friends. I need to be comfortable with myself and accept myself completely before I set out to accept someone else. I need to tread carefully so I can awaken my inner spirit and redesign a new me.

Until then I am a single woman on the road to self discovery.

I am not perfect and so many times I will fall back and cry to have a partner. I will feel sad when I see my friends happily married or with kids. I will regard this as rubbish but I will always hold true to the fact that I need to love myself before I love someone else. I will always come back to this point until I am sure of myself and my goals. And if it never happens I will have my family and true friends for companionship. I will adopt a child and dedicate my life to that child. I do not need to be married or in a relationship to survive. I just need true love and it doesn’t necessarily have to relate to a man.

I am a single woman and proud to be one.

 

Cocktail of Relationships

 

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Every time I come across a couple holding hands or gazing into each other eyes’ oblivious of the fact that someone is observing them

Every instant that I happen to see a man eagerly wait for his woman at the gate,

Every time I am forced to attend a wedding or observe my friends falling in love, cuddling next to each other or sweet texting each other,

I feel a pang of jealousy erupt within my soul,

I feel a twinge of pain in my heart,

I realize a deep sense of loneliness lingers within my life and I constantly feel it nagging my thoughts,

I feel this void in my life which may never be fulfilled,

How often have I been in a one-sided relationship where I was the only one devoted and committed to making our relationship work?

How often have I been taken for a fool, waiting for a text or call, waiting for a hug or kiss when it was freely been given to another woman?

How many times have I been told, “You are never enough”

“You are too fat”

“You are too short”

“You are doing this wrong and that wrong”

How many times have I shed tears over heart breaks and humiliating remarks driving my sense of worth at the lowest?

How many times have my achievements been seen as mediocre and worthless when I have worked immensely hard to be where I am?

How many times have I been discarded like a filthy piece of trash for my beautiful friends?

How often have I been compared to my friends, utterly shattering my spirit and self-respect?

How often have I been ridiculed for my opinions and thoughts?

How many times have I been scared of introducing my boyfriend to my friends, fearful of having been dumped?

How many times do I hear my friends complain of not receiving any text or call from their boyfriends? The fights and arguments? The sweet makeup kiss?

I yearn to feel all this. How unfortunate that I never experienced true love nor received even a sincere bit of affection from any of my relationships?

I console myself with the belief that I am better off alone

I smile hoping my heart understands that I no longer believe in a happily ever after or dwell in the hope that there is someone for me

I have had various shades of relationship cocktails and the only worthy flavor I prefer is my relationship with myself.

Reluctant Heartbeat

 

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All I ever wanted was to have a sweet caring person who loved me just the way I was,

With all my flaws,

With all my imperfections,

With all my craziness.

All I ever wished for was to have a shoulder I lay my head on,

A sleepy smiling face I could wake up to every morning,

A gentle soul I could cuddle with,

An honest person I could share my deepest fears with,

A strong chest I could bury myself in when everything went amiss.

All I ever desired was to have a man who appreciates my existence,

Who genuinely cares for me,

Who loves me not for my wordly possessions or beauty, but for my heart and cannot imagine staying away from my side for even a second,

Who is there to wipe my tears when I am sad,

Who is there to make me smile,

Who doesn’t abandon me when I fail or make mistakes,

Who doesn’t laugh at my dreams,

Who gives me hope in despair.

All I ever dreamed was to have a relationship where I gave love and received love,

Where my opinions were considered,

Where I was treasured,

And where we both grew as individuals and challenged each other to be the best we could be.

But guess what I got in reality?

False love,

Betrayal and heart break,

Lies, Dishonesty and immaturity,

Pain and suffering,

Loneliness and endless agony,

Insults and scars.

I am broken beyond repair,

Wiped out of every ounce of hope,

Doomed to never be able to love again,

For I no longer have a heart but a fragile petal withered to its last,

Even if I do find love,

I will always carry the marks of heartbreak and heartache to my grave.

I have a reluctant heart,

That will always hesistate to love and trust again.

Reluctant Heart.

 

A Little Too Late

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All too often my soul wanders about without any sense of direction hoping to find solace and tranquility in life,

All too often my heart yearns to be loved and cherished, wandering about aimlessly from one relationship to the next, hoping that this might work out,

All too often I ache to breathe a sigh of relief in the arms of someone I love,

All too often I desire to place my hand over the hand of someone who will comfort me and kiss my fingers,

All too often I crave for a kiss on my brow, strong arms pulling me into a tight embrace,

All too often I pine for a soft whisper in my ear, making me giggle with excitement,

All too often I thirst for a strong chest to lay my head on as I am lured to sleep,

All too often I lust for a passionate kiss igniting the flame of desire deep within the core of my being,

All too often I long for a possessive glance daring someone to do as much take a tiny step towards me as I pass by the road,

All too often I lament on the heightened loneliness I feel in my life, unleashing a fearful cry of sorrow,

All too often I hold on to the belief that somewhere, someone is feeling the same emotions as I am,

All too often I console my heart with the hope that in this whole wide world there is a better half for you,

All too often I assure myself that not all men will inflict immeasurable pain on your already scarred heart,

All too often I fancy going around the world with nothing but the bravery of a warrior guiding me to the beautiful rainbow,

All too often I trust the words my mind echoes that you will not die alone, that someone will come and sweep you off your feet,

All too often I relish in the thought that a knight in shining armor will step into my life and fill the void in my soul,

My heart yearns to feel these shades of love, jealousy, hope, passion and soft whispers,

But the greatest tragedy of all is that the person I want to experience this with is never going to be mine,

I can never have a happily ever after with him,

I met him a little too late.

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Letter to my unborn baby girl – Love & Heartbreaks

Dear Baby Girl,

I don’t know if you will ever have the chance to read this letter that I write today. I have no idea if I will ever be blessed with a beautiful girl who would be an exact replica of me, loving to read books, having a passion for exploring the world, a smile that would melt daddy’s heart all the time, crazy , unpredictable,and most of all a good person at heart.

Nonetheless, I would like you to know and understand my experiences of love, heartbreak, and relationships in general. I have believed to be in love not once but a lot of times, so much that I now wonder whether I was actually in love or just in love with the idea of being in love. Love is a special feeling that should make your heart skip a beat every time you look at your beloved. It should make your heart flutter with excitement and light up a burning flame of desire that will forever flicker with the brightest glow. I know this sounds so cliche as if real life was like the pages of a romantic novel. Whatever the case the man you love should never make you settle for less than what you deserve.

I always expected love to make me feel giddy with excitement, make my heart race faster and brighten my life like the rays of sunshine. When I was in love, nothing like this actually happened. But I went on hoping maybe later it would happen, maybe if I stayed I would feel it. But it never occurred. Only get into a relationship you feel is worth fighting for and would give you real happiness. Hoping things will change in the future is like believing you can change the colors of the leaves to green in autumn  which is impossible.

Love should never compel or force you to do things you are not comfortable with. Love should give you a chance to go through with things at the pace you set. It should stand by you when you are scared and help you to get to safety. Love should not blackmail you into doing things you would never have done otherwise. So many times in love I have done things that I am not proud of, so many times I have acted in ways that were not only harmful but also made me feel ashamed, so many times I have sacrificed my own desires for theirs, so many times I have accepted their excuses and lies despite knowing how lame and false they are. Never feel guilty for standing up for your beliefs or desires. Never perform any act you do not feel comfortable with. If they truly love you they would not force you to do such things in the first place.

Always remember to speak your mind. Whatever you feel and think, share it with them. Don’t keep it to yourself. Don’t stay silent just because you are scared of losing them or starting up an argument with them.

Love should never just take something from you. It should let you be on the receiving end as well. In all my relationships I have only asked for love, honesty, care and support never material things. Not because they could not afford to give it to me but because I could get whatever I wanted myself. If I wanted a car, I could get one for myself. If I wanted a dress, I could get it myself. Why would I ask a man to get me something I could get for myself? But you know what the sad part is. The little that I asked was too much for them. I kept on allowing them to take whatever they wanted from me – money, my time, affection, love, anything that they needed leaving me like a barren tree devoid of any fruit. Never let a man treat you like a carpet laid at the entrance of a house where he can step on and wipe his feel leaving their dirt and grit on you.

Love should give you the time you need so you get to know each other. Love should not ignore you and see you only when it is convenient for them. If someone claims to love you they would make an effort to spend time with you. They would make you a priority not an option. For a person who does not value your presence in his life complaining about your absence once you leave makes no sense. If you have to beg and call till dusk just to talk to him there is no way the man loves you.

I have been through relationships where I had to send millions of texts, waiting for them to respond only to end up being ignored. I would call and call, but no response. I kept on waiting listening to their fibble excuses of being tied up with work, having a lot to do and just accepted the justification. Do not ever do that. You should not be the only one waiting for him to call or waiting for an answer.

Never fight for a relationship that makes me you feel lonelier or as if you were single. The purpose of a relationship is companionship. If you are not getting that what is the whole point of having a man? If he is never available for you, does not call you at night or plan outings with you, never texts you back chances are he already has another relationship to care for.

So be wise when it comes to love and relationships.

And remember love is a blessing. Don’t let anything make you feel as if it were a curse.

 

Borrowed Love

Love is a special feeling that connects the soul of two individuals pulling them together in their lives. Love is sacred. It is a feeling which binds a mother to her child, a brother to a sister, a friend to another and a lover to his beloved. It holds the world and encourages compassion as well as generosity towards all mankind. Neither is it dependent on age, gender, location nor weight, race, religion or any other variable.

It is a powerful emotion that has captured the attention of writers, artists, philosophers, poets and singers. Many tales have been woven portraying the power of love. One such example is the play “Romeo and Juliet” by William Shakespeare where two souls deeply in love die to honor their love. One of the wonders of the world The Taj Mahal in India signifies the love Shah Jahan (Emperor) had for his wife (Mumtaz Mahal).

However in the recent times love has lost its original purity and sacredness. It is now easier to connect with people around the world with just a click. The media has made it easier to find new romantic interests and has a different tale on the various aspects of love each day. We now have lovers whose obsessions leads them to murder, spouses cheating on each other, or stalking and harassing individuals to attract attention. Inter cast or Inter racial marriages are on the rise. We have activists advocating for same sex marriages.In the midst of all these love has lost its permanency, its tranquility and its originality.

Love is now available cheaply and in any form you require. You can buy it for a night, a day or a number of days. You can get it at hotels, homes or even on the street. You can pay for it in shillings or dollars. What before was a secret enclosed behind closed doors is now a sight for everyone to enjoy. Children are exposed to this at a very early and vulnerable age. People get close to each other and soon part their ways.

One such phenomenon is what i decided to name “Borrowed Love,” It is that love which is temporarily borrowed and has to be returned once the moments of love are over.

As is my routine I was sitting on the bench outside my apartment waiting for the car to the office I overheard two women talking to each other. One young woman was sharing her opinion with regards to her love issue. A married man had approached her wanting to spend his life with her. Nothing was wrong with wanting this. However he was married and his wife lived far away in another country. He wanted to keep his affair with her a secret.

The girl continued “If i agree to live with him here one person or the other will know about our affair. They could easily object to our living together. The only way out is for me to demand a fully furnished house far away from his normal residence and he can come see me there. Alternatively I can move to another country with him. Since no one will be acquainted with us there we can carry out our affair secretly.”

Is love between a man and his wife so weak? Does distance really make one forget all the vows to care for their partner? What happened to sticking to one another in good and bad times, in health and in sickness, in riches and in poverty? Are these promises insignificant? Do they hold no value anymore?

This kind of love is just borrowed love. Sooner or later you will have to return it back to the person who rightfully deserves it. A man who has not been loyal to his wife, how can you expect loyalty from him? What about his children? What about the children you will have with him? Don’t children deserve a happy fulfilling life with both parents? Will he marry you and accept you in front of the whole world? Will your love be strong enough to hold on to in the long run?

Love has to treasured not discarded at the next moment available. It has to bring people together not drive them apart. Love has bring happiness not sorrow. Love has to accept not reject. Love has to be real not fake. It has to be eternal and ever lasting. It has to subsist through time and tide not be washed away like prints on the shore.

Love should never be borrowed like a commodity.