Under a Blanket of Shiny Stars

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What does a human being need to survive in this world? Food? Clothes? Shelter?  Others would say we need love, care, affection, friendship or family. Everyone will have their own opinion but the consensus still remains that the basic needs every person needs to ensure survival is food, clothes, and shelter.

A large number of people receive these needs and take it for granted not realizing there are so many unfortunate individuals out there who have no access or means to get these things. On a larger scale, we have refugees, victims of war or political unrest, victims of natural hazards like floods, tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes. On another scale, we have orphans, street children, beggars.

Every morning on my way to work I pass these few young men sleeping across the trench on the pavement. Sometimes I pass by without any thought minding my business. At other times I think how I would fare if I were in their position. Not having shelter to shield themselves from the cold or rain, Not having a home where I could sit and watch television or read a book, Not having a place I could call my own.Not having a bed to sleep on.

Yet they continue to survive. They pick up discarded boxes and tear them to make a sort of sheet on which they could sleep. They have stones and logs for pillows. The ground is their daily bedroom. How fortunate are we that we have a home, clean bed sheets and a room to spend the night.

They sit under the trees or cover themselves with broken buckets to shield themselves from rain. They cover themselves with used bags of cement or leaves.

They earn a living by washing or cleaning cars as the traffic lights force the drivers to wait in long queues for more than an hour. Everyone has their own specific set of cars to look for. In case someone else approaches a car not belonging to their “client list” chaos and fights usually follow.

Sometimes they are such a nuisance. They tease and harass women or young girls passing by hoping to get a reaction out of them. I have many a time been told how beautiful I am or how nice it would be if they could lay their hands on me (which is quite scary and something they are very much capable of doing).  Sometimes they wait for unwary passengers or tourists and rob them of their belongings. Sometimes they just cause unnecessary mayhem by fighting and beating up each other with stones and bricks or whatever they can get their hands on.

The few coins they get for washing cars is usually spent on food or cigarettes and sometimes drugs. Some use the money for luring girls for their pleasure. It amazes me that these individuals hardly have enough to sustain themselves yet they have more than two or three children of their own who are forced to beg on the streets or turn into  hardened criminals and prostitution to get a single meal for the day. I understand they are human beings just like I am, they have needs and desires just like I do, but why do you have to resort to these behaviors? Why force your own daughter or wife to live a life you are living? Why not go to school? Primary education is free. Why not avoid causing chaos in the streets?

I was blessed to have an education, a safe home,and a good job. I do not have to beg for money or resort to harmful and illegal activities to get a few slices of bread. yet how many of us realize how privileged we are? We often look at these youth as a menace to society? As unneeded vermins? As criminals? Does not having a life we are accustomed to make them less of a human? Does not have a stable upbringing make them less deserving of life? Does our attitude towards them help to find a solution to these issues?

They are seen wearing rags and filthy clothes, using shoe strings as belts. Most of their clothes are hardly fit to be used as dressing attires. Sometimes they pick throw aways from garbage cans and alter them to their liking. Yet we have wardrobes full of dresses we will never wear and still continue adding up to our collection.

They have nothing yet they make the most of everything. We have everything yet we feel  we have nothing? We have homes, beds, chairs, tv and music systems, phones, delicious cuisines and so many things we hardly give any thought to how lucky we are.

They have a blanket of stars and the dark sky above their heads. They have the grasses and ground to lay for the night. They have trees for houses and the passersby for entertainment. They have rags to wear. They have broken heels or plastic bags for slippers.

All they are proud of possessing is a blanket of shiny stars which can never be snatched or stolen and for which no claim can ever be laid.

 

Reluctant Heartbeat

 

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All I ever wanted was to have a sweet caring person who loved me just the way I was,

With all my flaws,

With all my imperfections,

With all my craziness.

All I ever wished for was to have a shoulder I lay my head on,

A sleepy smiling face I could wake up to every morning,

A gentle soul I could cuddle with,

An honest person I could share my deepest fears with,

A strong chest I could bury myself in when everything went amiss.

All I ever desired was to have a man who appreciates my existence,

Who genuinely cares for me,

Who loves me not for my wordly possessions or beauty, but for my heart and cannot imagine staying away from my side for even a second,

Who is there to wipe my tears when I am sad,

Who is there to make me smile,

Who doesn’t abandon me when I fail or make mistakes,

Who doesn’t laugh at my dreams,

Who gives me hope in despair.

All I ever dreamed was to have a relationship where I gave love and received love,

Where my opinions were considered,

Where I was treasured,

And where we both grew as individuals and challenged each other to be the best we could be.

But guess what I got in reality?

False love,

Betrayal and heart break,

Lies, Dishonesty and immaturity,

Pain and suffering,

Loneliness and endless agony,

Insults and scars.

I am broken beyond repair,

Wiped out of every ounce of hope,

Doomed to never be able to love again,

For I no longer have a heart but a fragile petal withered to its last,

Even if I do find love,

I will always carry the marks of heartbreak and heartache to my grave.

I have a reluctant heart,

That will always hesistate to love and trust again.

Reluctant Heart.

 

Plethora of emotions

Sometimes I feel the whole world is out there to get me. No matter what I do or say, the people around me always interpret the situation in accordance to their preference. No matter what I feel or say, they always judge me as being the worst human being on earth. No matter what  the challenge, they always have their own version of how I should have reacted.

No matter what the solution entails, they always have some counter mechanism to fire on how I should have acted. No matter what the scenario is, they always amaze me with the interpretations they come up with to explain my behavior.

No matter what the scenario is, they always amaze me with the interpretations they come up with to explain my behavior.

Whether it’s what I wear, what I say, how I act, sit or walk there is always something wrong with it.

Without any thought or understanding, they use up their precious time to analyze my action and provide their criticism.

I have been through a lot of controversial situations by now to realize that one can never satisfy or please the world. The more you attempt to confirm to the standards the world expects of you, the more you end up emotionally drained and dissatisfied. There is always an extra mark you are yet to achieve with the world. I quit being a people pleaser long time ago when it dawned on me how I focused on making everyone else happy, how I pushed my needs and wants aside for others’, how I continued to hang on to relationships where I gained nothing except emptiness and sorrow.

Yet the wonders of the world never cease.

When I keep quiet enduring all the crap they throw at me I am weak and need to stand up for myself. :Why didn’t you tell us? Why didn’t you talk to me? These sentences are constantly echoed till I block them out.

When I stand up for myself, I am rude and very insensitive. I am selfish and self-centered. I never think of how my words can hurt others and I am ungrateful.

When I dress casually I am old-fashioned and should have been born in the medieval era.

When I dress up with high clanking heels I am seeking attention and wearing provocative attire.

When I am reading I am trying to show off how smart I am.

When I am not reading I am stupid and good for nothing.

When I am dating, I am in love with the wrong guy or I don’t deserve to have such a guy in my life.

If I am not dating, there must be something wrong with me.

At times I have a hilarious moment laughing at the rumors and the stupidity surrounding these situations. It’s like every person has a different scene played out in their minds regarding my life, none of which is correct. At times I learn things about myself that I never knew I was capable.

At other times it hurts me to the extent that I roll up on bed and cry as if the world has come tumbling down on my feet.

I have so much going on in my life – I have work related stress, deadlines to meet, bills to pay. I have dreams and goals set for myself which need my attention. I have family issues I need to attend to. I have pangs of loneliness and fear. I have no room for any additional drama.

I come to a point when I block out all the negativity. I block people on my what’s app, Facebook so I am at peace. I avoid confrontations and seclude myself till I have healed and recovered.

I feel a plethora of emotions at one time and I need a break. It’s how I cope with stress and tension. It’s how I protect myself from getting hurt and depressed.  It’s’ how I deal with negativity. I would rather be alone than with people who only bring me down and make me sad.

Before you make a judgment about me, try taking a walk in my shoes.

Before you make fun of me, try understanding how much it hurts me.

Before you provide unrealistic solutions and explanations for my behavior, try living my life for a few seconds.

And before you unleash curses and demons on my way, try fighting the darkness I already have I my life.

And if you cannot bring a positive feeling in my life at least don’t drive your negativity into my life.

I have neither the luxury nor time to entertain you.

A Little Too Late

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All too often my soul wanders about without any sense of direction hoping to find solace and tranquility in life,

All too often my heart yearns to be loved and cherished, wandering about aimlessly from one relationship to the next, hoping that this might work out,

All too often I ache to breathe a sigh of relief in the arms of someone I love,

All too often I desire to place my hand over the hand of someone who will comfort me and kiss my fingers,

All too often I crave for a kiss on my brow, strong arms pulling me into a tight embrace,

All too often I pine for a soft whisper in my ear, making me giggle with excitement,

All too often I thirst for a strong chest to lay my head on as I am lured to sleep,

All too often I lust for a passionate kiss igniting the flame of desire deep within the core of my being,

All too often I long for a possessive glance daring someone to do as much take a tiny step towards me as I pass by the road,

All too often I lament on the heightened loneliness I feel in my life, unleashing a fearful cry of sorrow,

All too often I hold on to the belief that somewhere, someone is feeling the same emotions as I am,

All too often I console my heart with the hope that in this whole wide world there is a better half for you,

All too often I assure myself that not all men will inflict immeasurable pain on your already scarred heart,

All too often I fancy going around the world with nothing but the bravery of a warrior guiding me to the beautiful rainbow,

All too often I trust the words my mind echoes that you will not die alone, that someone will come and sweep you off your feet,

All too often I relish in the thought that a knight in shining armor will step into my life and fill the void in my soul,

My heart yearns to feel these shades of love, jealousy, hope, passion and soft whispers,

But the greatest tragedy of all is that the person I want to experience this with is never going to be mine,

I can never have a happily ever after with him,

I met him a little too late.

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