The pain I buried deep down in my heart resurfaces every time I think of the cruelty, the unfairness and the immense impenetrable silence you have bestowed on me. Where have I gone wrong? What did I do to deserve such grief? I am just stuck in the midst not knowing where I stand in your life; Am I a significant part of it? Am I just a little part that is now forever doomed in the depths of your memory? Or was I never a part of your life?
I never demanded precious jewels or mighty gems to sparkle my skin like glittering stars in the sky. Never did I wish for shimmery pearls around my neck or rubies on my fingers like a swirling mass of endless galaxies. Not once did I desire to extravagantly explore the wondrous horizons of the earth. My world was where you were; nowhere else did I intend to be.
Never did I utter a prayer to have vast riches flowing like a tiny water drop into the majestic ocean. Your arms were the jewels I wove around my neck. Your hand in mine was the ruby I preciously preserved. Your dreams were the dreams I saw when sleep gave solace to my soul. I tread my feet where your steps lay. Your one word of love was sweeter than the purest nectar any flower could flourish.
I lay my heart at your merciless pride and egoistic persona. You trampled my spirit, my self-respect with your sharp and harsh words. Like a doormat where everyone wipes dirt of their feet, I put myself where you could pour out all the rage, frustration, disappointment and humiliation. Even when I was utterly devastated by all of it I continued to wipe away everything so you could pour more and more; yet it never sufficed to make you shower at least a miniscule of love and devotion.
I put your needs and requirements foremost and buried mine where no one could resurrect them. I let you bear the soft touch of the petals while I felt the prick of thorns. I gave you the fruit while I nibbled on the seeds. I gave you the wisdom you required to succeed in life yet you never thought of being a part of my success. I shouted at the top of my voices yet you never chose to hear the painful cries of my dying heart.
I secluded myself from any other ties I had; Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Friends – I gave none priority over you. You were foremost on my mind, my heart, my soul. My world revolved around you. My affection and dedication towards you was so powerful, it consumed every bit of energy, every ounce of strength I possessed. So clouded was I by your dominant presence that I failed to notice the breathtaking beauty of nature around me; so engrossed was I in showering love in your life I failed to love myself or give myself the attention I deserved. My identity became a mere shadow swallowed by the profuse reflection of your image carved in my life.
I dined on the best exclusive meals yet my hunger only subsided when I saw you happily licking your fingers. I sipped on the sweetest honey yet never was my thirst quenched. I failed to return the undivided and unalterable attention I received from the selfless individuals I was related to only because a tiny fraction of your attention seemed to sustain my heart. I ignored the beautiful chapters in my life hoping for a happily ever after only to realize I was forever stuck in the never-ending chapter where I tried to get tiny tidbits of your love.
My life came to a standstill like the melody of a soul wrenching song whose tune seemed to flow sharply like a waterfall with a heavy downpour. I was in the wildest and unimaginable tragedy where neither victory nor failure would amount to anything.
All that was left in life was waiting each moment for you; waiting for you to call, waiting for you to text, waiting for you to come, waiting for you to spend even a single moment with me, waiting for you to talk to me, say a few words of love, pour a tiny droplet of affection towards me but all in vain. My wait was endless. You focused on yourself, made your desires a priority not even casting a glance towards me. You moved a few steps ahead and then more; I tried to keep pace with you to no avail.
I gave so much love I had none left for myself.
I gave so much care I had none to bestow on myself.
I focused all my attention I had none left to give anyone.
I cried till no tears were left to shed.
My happiness was stung within the grasps of your presence; I forgot to be happy with myself.
I raised my hands in supplication to God for you; I failed to utter a prayer for my salvation.
I ignited your life with a burning flame leaving only darkness in my life.
I walked a million miles for you; I was awarded with scars on my heel.
I erased your fears; I overburdened my fragile spirit.
I eased your malady; I was plagued with fatigue and anxiety.
I showered happiness at every instance in your life; I left none to overcome my sorrow.
I stood like an iron shield protecting you from the darkest power; I suffered every blow even death bade farewell.
I focused only on you, devoting every bit in your life till I forgot my very existence.
I rotated to and fro whenever you desired; I lost every sense of direction I required.
I directed all my dreams towards you; every dream without you in it was a nightmare.
I lost my personal worth, my dignity, my self-respect everything that can never be replaced yet I never uttered a sigh of pain.
I lit your path with praise; I lost all the sense of self-worth I felt for myself.
I nourished your ego; it blew mine into a trillion shreds completely dissolved into a dark hole.
I filled up your entire life with everything I had till I was reduced into nothing but an empty isolated vacuum.
I spread all the beautiful shades of colour into your life leaving mine like an empty canvass left with just a tiny stain of paint.
I warmed up your bed till no warmth could spread over my shivering cold heart.
I uttered a ton of words hoping you would listen till my voice cracked down like a dying echo.
I let you rise to the highest point in the sky while I was buried into the deadly hallows of the dark underground.
I built up a whole castle of dreams and wishes till it violently crashed with a loud thud.
I gave away all the mercy I possessed towards you that I had none left for myself.
I lost all the patience I had saved hoping for your love that I had none left to rescue my heart.
I attached all value towards your being that I lost any value I had for myself.
I perfected your life and home till I lost all perfection for myself.
I sweetened your life leaving sour flavors for myself.
I cherished your memories till I was overwhelmed with sadness and emotion.
I felt guilty for wishing for your love and care.
I devoted all the seconds of my life towards you that I had not a moment for myself.
I sacrificed every aspect of my virtues till I was a scary mass of vices.
I covered all your flaws till mine were bare and exposed for redemption.
I lied to myself each day till I had no sense of truth left inside me.
I hid my grief with a smile never letting the smile fade.
I cleansed all the corners of your soul till I was reduced into a filth of impurities.
Yet nothing comes from you.
Can you not hear the cries of my soul?
Do you choose to just ignore them?
I wish I could get an answer for my grievances.