The Silent Love

Love is a feeling that can invade the darkest of souls and ignite the flame of affection and selfless devotion. In a life that’s filled with unfulfilled dreams and aspirations, only love can impose a purpose and desire to prosper.

But love is seldom perfect as portrayed in movies or books. Love is like the ghosts everyone mentions but rarely has anyone come across them.

I have loved countless of times only to end up lonely and desperate to “unlove” myself out of it. I have been hurt, disrespected, humiliated and abused in almost all of my relationships. At times i have stayed up all night wondering whether i was truly in love or was i in love with the idea of being in love.

The only instance i felt truly loved and appreciated was with a kindred soul who was of a different religion, race,  culture , background and attitude.  He came like the wind that surprises you with its force and sudden pressure. He touched not only the flesh on my body but the soul hidden underneath. He put his hand forth to lead me to a path of roses where he bore the thorns and i bore the petals.

He cast his feet on the scorching sand so i wouldn’t get blistered .  He lay his arms around me so i wouldn’t shiver in the cold. He wiped out the filth so i would get the pure. He kept the hard shell so i would eat the tender meal. He lit the candle so i wouldn’t bear the darkness. He opened the door so i could walk into his abode.

He provided a plain white canvas so i could add colors and patterns.  He lay on the rough floor so i could feel the smooth surface of silk.

“What do i lack”? You ask. Why can’t we spend our lives together till death do us apart. Why can’t we live our own imperfect fairy tale? What do i lack? What have i done wrong?

My answer is ” you don’t deserve a weak soul like mine. You don’t deserve a soul who is bound by tradition and obligation. You don’t need a woman who is scared of standing up for your love. You don’t need a woman who will never rid herself of the chains at her wrists. You don’t need a woman who can only love you silently.”

You shall forever reign over my heart and soul. Never for a moment will my thoughts miss your presence. Not for a lifetime will i forget the feel of your flesh next to mine. Nor will any hand fit mine so completely.

Never will my eyes let go of your dark skin which casts an angelic shadow on the dark wall. Never will i forget the scent of your body as you lay next to me. Never will i let go of the memory so enclosed in my subconscious of us traveling together, sharing a meal or laughing till our sides ache.

Never will i forget the echo of your voice as you encourage and voice your opinion. Never will i forget the beautiful presents on my hand that you put. Never will i forget the kindness you showered on me.

Never will the words you uttered be washed away within my existence. Never will the hope of motherhood fade away like the smoke does when fire dies out. Never will i forget the tiny hand that i held,  the sweet smile upon seeing me…..the few moments of borrowed motherhood that i experienced will last till my last breath.

I have re lived my childhood with you, played like a toddler with you, argued like a rebellious adolescent, loved like a wife,cared like a mother, protected like a father and endured like a soldier in battle.

I have lived my entire life in just a few hours with you. I have fulfilled all my desires in a few moments with you. I may not be with you physically but i will always remember you in my dreams, prayers and words. You will have an eternal presence in my life.

You may be with another woman but i will never give love to another man. I may be distanced from you but i will still feel close to you.  A day will come when you will know how i felt and why i did what i did. But never regret. You were the best of the best. A reflection of my  incomplete  fairy tale

Celebrate  my absence for i want happiness, prosperity and courage to touch your feet.

I will die a lonely death but with solace that you were a part of my life. I will always  mourn my silent love for you.

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